My heart breaks… even as I’m thankful

I wrote last week about my friend, Mandy, and her illness. They did diagnose her with MS this week, and they began a steroid IV treatment Sunday evening. Her strength and coordination improved, as did her general alertness. There are, however, things that haven’t improved… things that concern us.

Two weeks ago, my Mandy was the news editor of the fifth largest newspaper in the state of Louisiana. And she was really good at it. Today, she’s having difficulty completing a worksheet that most first graders could complete with ease. It’s startling and shocking.

It hurts my heart.

Now, MS is a notoriously tricky disease to deal with because it affects each person differently. My friend, Mika, has responded well to the MS drug therapies. Mike’s mom didn’t have those therapies as an option when she was diagnosed with MS.

We want the very best for Mandy. We love her unfailingly. I know Mike must be thinking about his mom a lot these days. I know we’re both thinking that we want things to turn out differently for Mandy.

I keep thinking about the similarities between Mike’s dad and Josh, men who now share a similar path. Mike’s dad is hands down the most compassionate individual I have ever met. He nurtured and carried for Lillie (Eliza’s named after her paternal grandmother) even when Lillie was angry and upset and unhappy to be cared for at all.

Josh talks about reading that MS patients are often angry with their caregivers. I saw that in Lillie. I want to tell Josh that won’t happen, but I don’t believe that. Josh is like Jerry in more ways that he knows. He’s more prepared for this journey than he thinks, though I surely understand his fears. I can’t bring myself to tell him that God won’t give him more than he can handle. It feels patronizing even if it is what I believe.

This is hard for everyone. Mandy’s mom is caring for little Olivia, who has to miss her mommy and daddy. Mandy’s mom has to be frightened for her daughter, for both of her precious little girls. Josh is missing his Mandy, even while she lies in the room with him. Everyone in this hurts.

I’m leaving work early tomorrow and flying back to spend the weekend. My friend, Linda, will pick me up at the airport, regardless of how long my layover in Houston ends up being (I always get stuck in Houston). She’ll drive me to the hospital where I will most likely stay all weekend.

Me being at the hospital with Mandy will allow Josh to go home and rest and play with Olivia.

I’m so thankful for the opportunity to go. I know it will be hard to be there, hard to leave. But I’m grateful to have easily found a workable flight, to have tax money coming in to cover the flight, to have a husband who cares about this enough to send me away for the weekend.

I am thankful that I am far enough removed from my period of doubt that I can say, even in this uncertainty, that I trust in my God to provide, to care for us all.

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