wah, wah, wah

I am tired and crabby, and I sit amongst people who are cranky and angry and discouraged. One of my personal flaws is that I have a tendency to be a sponge and soak up the feelings of those around me. I’m getting better at not doing that quite as much, but still, I find myself influenced by the negativity around me.

Back in the early summer, I got promoted at work… something I honestly thought would never happen. People talk about this new division as being the promised land at this company, and this job is better than the last. But I now see  that the idea of a promised land in this division is laughable. What we do is stressful. There is no way around it.

But I’m finding lately that the stress is really hard for me to negotiate. I am not given to enjoying middle ground. I’m a bit of an all or nothing girl. And I’m probably a bit of a bit of a perfectionist, though I hate to admit it. And this job is all about numbers. How did you perform today or yesterday? How did you compare to everyone else, regardless of whatever your personal situation was at the moment?

I don’t mind that the company has expectations of us, even if they may at times seem unreasonable. That’s the company’s right as my employer. What I mind is not being able to navigate the workload and the expectations successfully. Admittedly, this is my problem, not the company’s.

But all of this focus on the numbers just feeds into my own OCD obsession with numbers… the number on the scale, the number of years, the number of days I blog, the number of … on and on. This job encourages an obsession in me that I clearly see is unhealthy. In this life of mine, I need to focus on quality and not those numbers. But five days a week, I sit and am judged based upon the numbers.

My New Year’s Resolution was balance, and I’m trying really hard to take that to heart and to focus on the important and not the numbers floating in my head. It’s not easy because I want to be really good at what I do. But I also want to be a sane (reasonably) woman and a kind, compassionate, not stressed out wife and mama.

Now, I’m going to end my way too short lunch break and go back to the land of numbers. And try not to worry about mine.

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