and so it goes…
If I have a friend who brings nothing to our relationship, I don’t continue with that friendship. If I have a friend who brings negativity to my life, I cut my ties with that friend. I am too old and have too many things in my life that demand my time to waste my time on people who drain my time and energy and lifeblood without bringing something positive to my table.
Why is it I have people in my life who bring mostly negative energy and yet I tolerate it because they are blood relatives? What makes blood more important than anything else?
I got a letter from my father on our anniversary (last Friday… 16 years… yay, us!) telling us that he felt led by God to remind us that our marriage was in danger if we didn’t join a church. That we weren’t being good parents because we weren’t taking the kids to church, that we were putting other things in ahead of church.
Now, I’m not usually one to respond. I’m aware that my dad enjoys debating and drawing people … me and my brother, my grandmother, specifically … into debates with him that he won’t discuss fairly or allow anyone to leave in a reasonable manner. When I was in my teens and early 20s, I didn’t see how he handled things, how he manipulated us into these destructive interactions, but once I moved out and was on my own, I was able to see that not everyone interacted in that manner. And I was able to begin to establish my own way of handling things.
Mike and I married when we were both in our early 20s, and we built this lovely way of interacting that is open and honest and has none of the trappings that I had/have in my relationship with my parents. And now that I know that I don’t respond well to that sort of relationship, I just don’t bite when he tries to engage me.
But that letter… on my anniversary.
I sent what I thought was a calm and reasonable emailed response. I told them that our marriage is on really solid footing and that we’re quite happy together. I told him that we’re aware that the world is touching our children, as he stated, but that we believe that it’s our responsibility to nurture their spiritual foundation, not the church’s.
I told him that he was completely right, that we did feel that church wasn’t more important than other things. We feel that each individual’s personal relationship with Christ is more important than all other things. Church is an extension of that. As it turns out, we had already chosen a church earlier this summer, but I hadn’t told them (as with most things).
Within hours, I got a response from him that was highlighted by my father’s use of multiple Scriptures. Now, my parents are the most God-fearing individuals with the most in-depth knowledge of Scripture I can imagine. I am in awe of their knowledge. That said, they have both on occasion used both Scripture and their knowledge of it a weapon. He mentioned that it is his responsibility as a father and grandfather to rebuke us when he sees us sinning.
Well, lovely. I haven’t responded to that one.
Now, again. These are dear, sweet, Christian people. Which is what makes me feel so conflicted about all of this. I hate that they offer unsolicited advice, rebuking. I wish they would keep it to themselves. Their visits, their cards with the advice, their letters and calls… they cause more stress within our marriage than provide help.
And yet, on the rare occasion that I stand up for myself and suggest that they need to give us some space or defend our choices, they respond so vehemently that it hardly seems worth the effort. It is draining. To date, they haven’t said anything too harsh to either of my kids. They’ve said things about my kids to me, but not to the kids. The day that happens is the day all bets are off. I’ll put up with a lot myself, but I won’t put up with anything regarding my kids.
And yet, what’s up with that? Seriously. What does that say about me? I’m willing to stand up for my kids but not for myself. I’m not sure what it says, but I know it’s true.
And I know that the experience reminds me of several things…
I am safest with completely superficial topics with my parents. I remember why I gave up on the hope of having a meaningful relationship with them years ago. I remember why I work so hard to foster important, meaningful relationships with Christian friends.
I am so grateful that I have a clear vision of the type of relationship I want to have with my children both now and as they grow older.
And I am deeply thankful to have been able to be a part of various families through my life who have built really exceptional relationships with their children and their children’s children and who have provided me with superb examples to follow.
And I am blessed to be friends with both my brother and my brother’s wife, and I count it a deep blessing to be able to discuss these things with them. Neither of my parents are on speaking terms with any of their siblings, and I think they are missing something so wonderful. I am so terribly grateful to not miss that.
Filed under Faith | Permalink |Tagged with: church • Faith • Family
5 Responses to “and so it goes…”
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I feel so blessed to have you as a sister n law. You are really the sister I never had! When I married your brother, I never expected to gain two people that would bring such a black cloud around me, and I see the way you and John are being treated and its been unbearable. I’ve been a victim of their criticism and unsoliscited advice and its extremely difficult to keep my thoughts quiet. I haven’t endured near what you have, so I can only imagine how upset you feel. .
The pamphlets on child rearing, marriage, what vitamins to take, what to feed your family, tips on exercising, dressing modestly (had to really laugh at that!) Lol!
Dreams of laughing, sharing funny stories, camping, fishing, grilling, playing cards or other types of games grandparents play, pleasant trips to the zoo, park, ect sadly remain dreams.
Knowing the scriptures and knowing just how to place them in your speech, hardly qualifies for living in God’s word. Even the Devil knows the scripture.
I believe they are dear sweet people that need guidance in how they treat their family.
I grew up in a family of parents who admitted their mistakes and apologized. They also shared their personal struggles and God’s forgiveness. I knew they loved me unconditionally. I was never afraid of telling them anything out of fear that they would never love me.
I’m just thankful, despite the destructive parenting, you and John turned out to be the fantastic people you are! Must have been the guidance and example of your grandparents!
Love ya!
Oh, Chel, I am so disturbed by this utterly abusive dialogue your dad continues to force on you. And that is exactly what it is: abuse. Who does that?? The poor timing (designed to deliver the cruelest blow), the self-righteiousness and the complete absence of compassion are as far from Christ as I can imagine. He is not offering fatherly counsel, he is unjustly berating you. BIG difference. I hate to use a Facebook reference to make my point, but there is real truth in it — Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than parking in a garage makes you a car.
Having recently re-discovered church ourselves, I can say that I do feel closer to God when I worship in a community of faith. But it means nothing to know the rules of our faith if you do not practice them in truth and in spirit. That mindset has lead to this religion of hate that permeates our world and makes “Godly” people feel justified in beating others into submission, rather than showing the perfect love that Jesus is. It only drives people FROM Christ, not TO Him.
For your own sake and the sake of your family, I pray you will not tolerate any more of these attacks. If you even catch a whiff of criticism, don’t open the letter, don’t read the e-mail, don’t answer the call. You can and should love and honor your parents, but only insofar as it doesn’t leave bruises that won’t heal.
You are a truly amazing, loving mother and wife. You don’t just talk about Christ’s love, you shower it on the people around you. Never, NEVER underestimate the witness that is to them and to your children.
Yikes! Oh yeah Terri. Well said.
Well said, Terri!
[...] few months ago, I wrote a post entitled ‘and so it goes’ about an on-going struggle I have with my parents and their need to advise me of the sins they see [...]