Fear and Loathing in the Sunshine State
I am notoriously hard on myself. Without a doubt, I am my own worst enemy, critic, whatever. I am self-bashing, even some days, self-loathing. I am a mad tangle of negative body issues, personal insecurity stemming from an irrational desire for everyone to like me (if only I was more like Mike who rarely cares if anyone likes him!), and uncertainty in terms of my abilities and talents.
Take that mixture on a good day, and it’s pared with a fair amount of contentment with this new life, along with positive parts of happy vibes about myself. I’m more than willing to list my good qualities and acknowledge that they outnumber the bad.
But, oh my goodness, take that first mixture on a bad day… when things at work are especially hard and when there’s a bit of hormonal unsteadiness… watch out. There’s a bubbling mess of tears and emotion and self-ickiness that’s hard to tame.
It’s been a couple of less than stellar weeks at work, and so I’ve been facing these ugly thoughts in my head. And when the ugly thoughts get going, they build upon themselves. It’s Bad Karma’s snowball of hateful mojo.
And this afternoon, my supervisor kicked that mojo in the knees. He said, “This is becoming self-defeating. I don’t know how much more I can say to reassure you.”
I was stunned. And embarrassed. You know why? Because it’s true. And I’m embarrassed that everyone knows it’s true. But you know what, fine? I’m going to work past this. My new work goal is to be positive.
Yep, that’s right… positive. You know, I think, maybe.
Filed under Most Everything | Permalink |Tagged with: body issues • positive • Work
7 Responses to “Fear and Loathing in the Sunshine State”
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Ouch! Sometimes truth is so hard isn’t it?
I remember one year, during an annual evaluation, my boss (whom I loved and REALLY wanted to please!) sat me down and told me that she loved that I was working in the office, but if I could just slow down, I would produce better work, without so many mistakes… OUCH!! But the truth was that she was right. I DID need to slow down. And it is because of that evaluation that i made a decision to stop rushing; stop rushing to please everybody with how fast and efficient i was, because I was clearly not being efficient.
All that to say, sometimes truth is painful, and yet it pushes us to see those things in our life that really aren’t true…which is so very much the truth when we struggle with body issues and self loathing! And when we can identify these things, we can work on CHANGING them.
Hang in there!
PS: I think you sent me an email about a trade awhile ago. I think that is a great idea! But for some reason I cannot find the email anywhere, and I can’t find an address on the blog…will you email me again?
Oh, I HAVE SO been there. I had forgotten because it has been about 3 years but I used to struggle with that all the time. What did God do to work that out of me? There have been so many steps in the process, many painful, others (like watching “The Snoodles Tale” over and over and crying until I couldn’t cry anymore) were not so bad.
If only you could see you the way I see you. Your worth is priceless, your body beautiful and your work ethic is second to none. You know how I love folksy sermon cliches, but here it goes anyway: “God didn’t make no junk.”
I love you.
“It’s Bad Karma’s snowball of hateful mojo”
Well, at least that’s a fun way to say it. I know what you’re feeling as I am in the same sort of funk myself right now. Take just one minute at a time and put that positive vibe on it, and before you know it the day has gone by on a positive note. At least that’s what i am going for!
Okay. I think the sun is getting to Mike.
Love you guys, faults and all. Can’t wait to see you.
You are perfect just the way you are. A wonderful mother, friend, wife and person. I agree with Mike. I wish you saw what we all see.
Love you lots
You know most of us just fake it until we make it, don’t you? (That’s my therapist’s favorite instruction to give me.) Luckily you are fabulous and beautiful and kind and generous and funny and encouraging — you don’t have to fake that part! The being confident in doing a job that is a total career change at which you’re doing amazingly well, just fake that a little bit! We all know that you are excellent, and the results are truly coming in strides. Echoing Mike, you are priceless! We’re all lucky to know you!!