A Long Story to Tell
(Thursday update… there are some good comments and observations on this post… be sure to read them when you’re finished here.)
Kellie asked about the story behind our two year absence from church. It’s a long and drawn out story, I’m afraid. I’ll tell it, but I’ll also tell you up front that it’s not that exciting. It’s painful and hurtful and unfortunate but not at all exciting.
Now, I’m quite sure that anyone with half a brain and a newspaper (or internet access, though it kills Mike for me to mention the two as if they were interchangeable), will be able to determine which denomination I will be referring to, but I do feel compelled to be vague.
Mike’s included in this, obviously, but I don’t claim to speak for him. This is me. Get a Diet Coke, settle in. If you’ve got something else to do, by all means, move on. If not, here goes.
Mike and I were both reared in the same religious denomination. We both accepted Christ as young children, and we were reared in homes that were rooted in the love of Christ. All of our parents were Christians, and we saw them pray. Regardless of whatever faults any of our parents might have had, I am forever grateful to each of them for their spiritual guidance when we were young.
In the small town we lived in before we moved to Florida, we attended one church for a lot of years. We were married in that church… had both kids dedicated there… Mike was ordained a deacon there… Griff was baptized there. We were loved there, and that was special.
Mike and I met at the college where I worked and where he was a student and would eventually teach. The school was a highly recognized academic institution that placed a strong emphasis on the spiritual growth of each individual student. Quite frankly, we envisioned ourselves there for somewhere between a long time and forever.
The school was closely affiliated with the state organization of the religious denomination in which we were reared. Unfortunately, that particular denomination has endured some… infighting, as it were … in the past several decades. In Louisiana, the struggle for power took on new dimensions and depths, and the school was a part of that.
Before Mike began to teach, he was a reporter at the state denominational newspaper. Between the two experiences and the various contacts we each had, we had an unfortunate amount of knowledge about what was happening behind the scenes. And what was happening behind the scenes was ugly.
There were (and most likely still are) men and women doing unconscionable things in the name of God. There were people who said they were Christians, who were recognized as leaders in the faith, who slandered the good names and reputations of other Christians in an effort to hurt others or to gain power or to advance themselves. Mike and I both became jaded and cynical and suspicious of people’s motives. We were guarded and hesitant to trust.
Our church was involved in this situation in different ways, and in a lot of ways, I am proud of how the church responded. This was a group of people that welcomed people who were being accused and attacked. It was a place where the hurting were welcome. In some ways, though, it was too much for me. I couldn’t quite stomach the difficulty with the politics and the stress at work, only to have it discussed at church, too. I realize that lots of these dear people needed that outlet, to have a place where they could discuss things openly and still be accepted. For me, though, it didn’t quite work. I needed somewhere that we could just be.
Eventually, the school became a place where Mike couldn’t teach the way he felt was right. We were at times worried for his job, and it became clear that we needed to move on. God was so generous to provide us with an opportunity here in Florida.
When we moved here, we were both so worn out, so stressed and so weary that we just couldn’t face trying a new church right away. We had become disillusioned with organized religion, though not because of our church… instead, because of the denomination in which we first came to love the Lord.
So we agreed that when we began looking at churches, we would try any church that wasn’t in that denomination. That felt so freeing at first. But, oh, my gosh, have you looked at how many options there are out there today?! Ugh. We kept getting frustrated and just not going. And when we did visit somewhere, we were still so cynical that we had nothing but criticisms. It was clear we just weren’t ready.
We’d sleep in on Sundays for a few months & then decide we’d try again. But it was hard to get used to the traditions of different denominations. We’ve worked that pattern for quite some time now.
When I was hired for this job, I vividly remember saying in my interview that I was comfortable asking people questions and working to determine the truth because I expected people to lie to me. I know things are getting better because one of my downfalls at work is that I believe people too much. Everyone says I’m too nice. I know I’ve lost that jadedness, which is really good.
But still, here we are nearly two years without a church. We’ve considered going back to a church from our old denomination. I miss singing the hymns I know by heart. I miss the familiarity of the services… not watching the program to see what we need to do next. And yet, there are things happening within the denomination of my childhood which I cannot support. There are things that are being taught in those churches that I don’t want taught to my children.
I want the community of being in a church. I want the opportunity to worship with other people, to learn and grow in Christ. We need to be in church. We want to be in church, and those are huge steps forward. We’ve agreed to look for a church once Griff’s casts are off and he’s walking well again. We want him to have the opportunity for a fresh start without having to answer questions about his legs.
But when that time comes…
What do you do when you have 60-odd combined years of worship in one way and can’t find it in your heart to attend that kind of church any longer?
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7 Responses to “A Long Story to Tell”
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I identify with you in many ways. I was also raised in a certain denomination, and taught things that I no longer believe and refuse to teach, or have taught to, my children. Right now, we don’t attend church, but I want to try out a Unitarian Universalist church.
Are there really things that [a particular] church teaches that you would not want your children to know? Or is it the fact that some of the people you’ve had experienced have been mean spirited and you don’t want your children around that? I am afraid one can’t lump all [such] churches into one pot and say that all emphasis the same aspects of Scripture. I also am very curious about what is being taught that concerns you.
Hi, Pastor. I took the liberty of changing a couple of words in your comment in order to continue the facade of being vague about which denomination we left. I trust you understand. I’ve tried really hard not to name call in this.
Eliza and I are on our way out this morning, but I’ll come back and answer your questions tonight. One quick word, though… we have family and friends who still attend churches in that denomination and I don’t have a problem with that. Spirituality is such a person thing, and I’m not saying no one should attend those churches. They meet needs. They just don’t meet our needs at the moment. I’ll respond about the other things tonight.
Thanks for sharing that story — although I knew it all already in bits and pieces, it was nice to read it all in one place and to share a bit of your journey through reading your story. You’ve described the past few years so thoughtfully, and I hope that the process probably helps the healing. I know how you long for a spiritual family there, and I pray that this time searching will provide a “wonderful surprise.”
Thanks. I think we are all finally ready to share ourselves in a new church. When we first got here, we were so guarded due to what we had experienced, but I see in all of us an openness that wasn’t there before. I’m actually pretty excited about the opportunities ahead of us… those wonderful surprises you talk about.
Thanks for sharing Chel.
Church hurts can be the toughest. When the expectation that those who profess Christ will behave in a Christ-like manner isn’t met, it is so disappointing!
I am certain i have disappointed those around me when I have not acted Christ like! Luke 7:23 says, “Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me.”
All that to say, I am glad to hear that you are working through these issues. It is so hard to work through our doubts and dissillusions, but the the consequence of not working through the hard parts in life is being enslaved by them.
I was just reading Phil 1:27-29 this morning. And in light of your story, it helps me to remember that:
“Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you.”
I pray that God will lead you to a healthy church (and even those have rough spots since we are all just people!) that you and your family can feel like part of a family again!
Thank you for your honesty. God can handle our doubt, He can handle out hurts, He can take our questions! Seek Him still…
Kellie
One of the things I heard people in the situation with us say was that the experience had caused them to doubt their faith. I never did that. My faith in God was never in question. My faith in people was both ruined and revived if that can be possible. I wasn’t in a place where I could believe in people randomly any longer, but I also saw real examples of men and women putting themselves on the line in order to maintain their ethics. I saw Godly people who let God shine through in their struggles.
For us, it was never a matter of our church being a source of our uncertainty or pain. It was bigger than one church, and that is why we will most likely not return to that denomination. For us, right now, we feel like it doesn’t matter which denomination in which we worship, as long as we are surrounded by believers.
Girl, you just keep trying different ones until one feels like home to you. I believe God will tell you when it’s right.
HH and I took an almost two year church sabbatical. It wasn’t really planned, but we moved from the suburbs to the city and knew we didn’t want to keep attending the church we were at. HH and I were raised in different denominations, both of which are fairly similar in doctrine. We knew we’d be happy raising a family in either, so we started trying both. Of course, we took our time and enjoyed MANY leisurely Sundays. It was a good break. And I really don’t think it was a break from God, but from the structure and the politics.
Don’t worry, you’ll get there!
But in all seriousness, I do think the break has been good for us in some ways. And you’re right. It wasn’t a break from God but from organized religion. I feel like we’re ready to get back to it now, though.
I routinely suggest to Mike that we should attend the church near our house because they have a Saturday evening service… we could go to worship AND get to sleep in on Sundays.
In response to The Pastor’s questions…
First, let me say that in no way did I intend to offend or insult anyone. There are genuine, dedicated, Christian people in each and every church in our denomination. And while I understand that each church is autonomous, they do still have an affiliation with the overall denomination, and I can’t be a part of that denomination any longer.
You and I have known each other for years, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that we don’t agree on all of the doctrines of the denomination. So, In the end, yes, there are theologies being taught that I don’t agree with or want my children taught.
This oversimplifies my concerns, but two of my biggest problems with the denomination are the group’s attitudes about women in ministry and the way their missionaries have been treated in recent years.
Now, again, I am not in any way saying that the denomination is bad or evil or not Christian or anything of the sort. I’m not saying that churches in the denomination are theologically wrong. What I’m saying is that at this point in my life, it isn’t the denomination for me. And I believe that we have to move where God takes us.
Thanks for sharing! Finding a church is hard, even without hurts. We have to find a new one every two or three years when we move, and it’s hard!