sit down…
I have an announcement. We went to church this morning.
That’s right. Church. All four of us. It’s crazy talk, I know. But one of my 101 Things goals was to find a church for us to attend by Advent. Now, I don’t know that we’ll continue to attend this church forever, but it’s the one we’ve selected for Advent. We owe our commitment to finding and participating in a church entirely to our Eliza, who has been begging to go learn more about God (which I think both compliments us as parents in that we’ve taught her something so far and makes us look like really lousy parents in that we haven’t found a church prior to this).
Mike selected this church solely because of the Advent schedule. We’ve both always loved Advent. And it was nice to sit together through the service this morning… all four of us. Maybe this is the beginning of something good.
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two years later…
I wrote this post more than two years ago, and I’m ashamed to say that I’m still struggling with the same issues. Truth be told, I’m not a quick study when it comes to myself. I am my own worst critic, always harder on myself than on anyone else, and way too deep into double standards to be healthy.
If you want to read the entire post, go through the link above, but here’s a quick bit of it…
I’ve always been very forthcoming here (which may be interpreted either as good or bad, depending entirely upon your perspective), and I often try to work things out here that are swirling around in my head.
I’ve written before about my self-image and self-esteem issues before, and I’ve been thinking about some of those things lately.
One of the girls in my section came to me today to ask a question, and I answered her and then promptly told her to ask someone else to be sure. An older lady in my group who has been doing this for years asked me, “Michele, why do you do that? Your answers are usually right. Why do you assume you’re doing it wrong?”
And I don’t really have a good answer for that.
I’ve always felt like somewhere along the line, grownups forgot that genuine pride in work well done or in skills well honed was a good thing. All of that “pride goeth before the fall” stuff… I think that those most in danger of pride becoming arrogance are those who are the least affected by the sentiment. Those who should feel a genuine pride and confidence sometimes take the meekness too far.
And while I doubt anyone would describe me as ‘meek’ and while I’m quite sure that wasn’t the reason I did it, I did at some point begin to downplay my own talents and skills in an effort to not seem ‘braggy.’ But I think it wasn’t the best choice, and now it’s an irritating habit.
The way I feel in my head isn’t always accurately reflected by the things I say about myself. And that’s a weird disconnect.
I still do that. I really think that the way I feel about myself is so much more positive than the things I say about myself. And I think I say those unpleasant things for odd reasons… under the guise of not coming off as a know-it-all or in order to appear approachable or to go ahead and set things up for if I don’t do well.
But that’s such a lousy way to approach things. I wouldn’t let my kids do that to themselves. And as I work on approaching 40 and on the seriously freak-out way I feel about 40, I think this is something I need to work on.
I have this long history of underestimating my own value in terms of how people see me. I told a friend last week that we were ‘work friends’ and not ‘real friends,’ which is insulting to both of us. I did later apologize, and when I did I shared the story of how I introduced my friend, Linda, as ‘my boss’ when she came to visit me and Eliza in the hospital the night Eliza was born. This woman & I had spent time in one another’s homes, kept one another’s children, knew all about one another’s lives. And yet, somehow, I was still unsure. (For the record, she was very angry with me, but later forgave me. I think.)
I need to work at remembering that people see me as more than just everyone’s mama at work. I need to remember, as a friend told me last night, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that if Christ loves me completely, I should probably love myself the same way.
One of the things on my 101 Things list is to write another 100 Things About Chel list, and I think maybe that’s a good place to start in terms of seeing myself clearly.
I’m making a specific effort to not re-read the first list so that what I write now is what I love about me now. I think my goal may be to have it up and posted by the weekend.
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very blue
Number 27 on my 101 Things in 1001 Days list was to take Mike to see the Blue Man Group in Orlando. He’s said since we moved here that he wanted to see them, but tickets are just outrageous. Last week, my sister-in-law sent me an email with discounted tickets for the BMG, and I bought tickets without telling Mike. I managed to keep the secret from him for three days (somewhat of a miracle for me). 
We had a lovely dinner with Chuck and Stacy at my favorite Orlando restaurant. As we were leaving, I asked Chuck how to get where we were going & he told Mike. One of the things I love most about Mike is that he listened to the directions not knowing where we were going. There’s something quite lovely about the trust that builds up over time. He was very surprised.
More than that, he had a really good time. It was obvious. For those of you who don’t know my Mike in real life, he rarely shows that he’s having a good time or is excited about anything. He’s the picture of a lack of emotion. So it was really groovy to see him having such fun.
If you get a chance to go, go. The drumming was wonderful, this deep pulsing that you could feel in your seats. There were strobe lights and general lighting changes and lots of multi-media interactions. All of which triggered my vertigo, and I ended up spending the last 30 minutes of the show in the lobby with a very sweet attendant. (I haven’t been that sick since I went to see an IMAX movie.)
But even with all of that, it was really groovy to surprise Mike. Maybe I’ll try again in another decade or so.
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101 book list update…
In my 101 Things in 1001 Days list, my goal was to read 100 books in the 1001 days. I was going to keep the list on Library Thing like I did with my last list, but I just can’t remember to add them there. So I’m going to keep the list here.
Another of my goals was to review half of those 50 books, so if you see one you’d like me to review, let me know.
- “From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil Frankweiler” by E.L Konigsburg
- “Murder Boogies With Elvis” by Anne George
- “Mummy Dearest” by Joan Hess
- “Twilight” by Stephanie Meyer
- “New Moon” by Stephanie Meyer
- “The Tales of Beedle the Bard” by J.K. Rowling
- “Always Looking Up: The Adventures of an Incurable Optimist” by Michael J Fox
- “Eclipse” by Stephanie Meyer
- “Freakin Fabulous” by Clinton Kelly
- “Breaking Dawn” by Stephanie Meyer
- “Sex in the South” by Suzy Parker (I went to college with the author. It’s at times funny, shocking and … well, more shocking.)
- “Some Day You’ll Thank Me For This: The Official Southern Ladies’ Guide to Being a ‘Perfect Mother’” by Gayden Metcalfe and Charlotte Hays
- “The Sloppy Copy Slipup” by Dyanne Disalvo
- “Among the Hidden” by Margaret Peterson Haddix
- “Tin Roof Blowdown” by James Lee Burke (This one was such a good read, though painful at times. I read it last weekend - the fourth anniversary of Katrina’s march through New Orleans.)
Tagged with: 101 Things in 1001 Days • Books
checking items off the list…
I’ve felt very accomplished with my 101 Things list lately. I crossed another item off the list last night and wondered why I haven’t done it sooner.
There’s this lovely historic theater in town (much like the one I remember from my childhood), and they show an interesting mix of vintage and indie films. Last night, they were showing “Casablanca,” which is one of my very favorite movies ever. When I saw the ad in the paper a month ago, I immediately called our newest favorite sitter and booked the evening.
The theater is downtown near our favorite restaurant, so we had Voodoo Shrimp, crawfish etouffee, and jambalaya before walking over to see the movie. It was a lovely night.
I’m already looking at their schedule to find another movie to go see.
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