Happy Birthday, Eliza!
Hello, my love.
Each year, I write another letter to you, and I am always sorely tempted to go back and read the last letter. But I resist. I want each letter to be based upon what is happening in our lives - your’s and mine - right this moment and not about all of the prior years. Now, after I finish, sure, I’ll go read. Maybe when you’re older and read all of these, you’ll read them all at once, over and again, too. Maybe not. But you’re a lot like me, so I suspect you will read them many, many times.
That brings up an interesting question. You’re reading quite well now. I wonder when I should begin giving you these letters to read. I suppose I’d just always imagined giving them to you when you’re older. I think I’ll save that as a question for another day.
You are reading well, and you seem to enjoy it, but you enjoy all of school. Some days, I crawl into bed with you in the mornings and ask if you’d like to play hookey, just stay home and play instead of going to school. I only ask because I know, without a doubt, that your answer will be, as your roll your eyes at me, “no, mama, I have to go to school and learn.”I never, ever ask Griff if he wants to play hookey. He wouldn’t answer the same way you do.
Your teacher this year says you’re really, really good at math. Clearly, your daddy’s genes run deep in you. She was telling us at our conference last week that you like to go to the board and show her different ways of answering the problems. I’m quite impressed with you.
Everyone talks about how sweet you are, how kind and generous. You have the gentlest spirit about you. You always want to help and do things for those around you. Now, everyone also talks about how quiet you are. On that, I’m pretty sure you’ve got folks snowed. But whatev. (’Whatev.’ You taught me that word. Told me the ‘er’ wasn’t necessary.)
You still think Griff’s the best thing ever, but you’ve also discovered that, at 13, he’s more than a little annoying. You’ve got plans for what we’re going to do for his room when he goes to college. One day, it’s going to be a spa bathroom. The next, a craft room. The next, knock out the wall between the two rooms and make a giant room for yourself. As long as you share with me, I’m ok with it. I love that you still say you’re going to live close by me forever. I’d love for you to live close by me forever. (Griff, too, but he’s against that idea these days. Let’s move to the beach somewhere & make him jealous he made a bad choice. Whatcha say?)
You’re clever and funny, and you make us laugh. You think that any event is reason to get dressed up ‘fancy.’ And you think we should all join you in the fancy. You think your daddy is the best man ever (and I happen to agree). You’re a very girlie girl, but you very much don’t want anyone to tell you that you can’t do something, and I respect that.
You’ve discovered in the last year that you enjoy shopping, and you’ve become my best shopping buddy. You haven’t opened your presents yet, so you don’t know it, but you’re getting new clothes and gift cards as presents, and I can hardly wait to go shopping with you. You get so excited. Your Aunt Stacy and I took you and Hannah to the spa a few weeks ago as an early present, and you were so sweet and thankful. I appreciate that you make a point of being appreciative (one of your spelling words this week).
So here you are… eight. And I’ve said it before, and I hope you never get tired of hearing me say it because I’ll say it forever. For a lot of years, there were three of us. And we had no idea that our family was lacking. But God knew that our family needed an Eliza. And I thank God every day for you because He knew best, and you bless us every day in countless ways.
I love you Eliza Lillie.
Mama
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revisiting old habits
We all have our bad habits, those things we know are bad for us and that most days are well within our control. Mine are fairly limited and quite frankly, not that horrid. I go to Starbucks too often. I pull my cuticles. I am vain about my skin and my hair. I am a bit controlling. Maybe more than a bit.
But my forever companion bad habit is that ugly voice in my head telling me that I’m fat and unattractive and all manner of unappealing things. The voice has been quiet for quite some time now… years, in fact. The last few months, though, that voice has enjoyed a resurgence, a renaissance. Frankly, it’s having a big fat party that I didn’t really offer to host but that seems to be in full swing anyway.
Mike has commented on it repeatedly, unhappily, that he’s not quite sure what’s up with my ugly voice, with my new preoccupation with numbers and sizes and figures and such. And I had really gotten past that. I pointed out to him that the last few months have been pretty stressful for me… work has been, well, work … and I’ve been dealing with personal issues without the support system of two of my besties.
Whenever there’s an opportunity, the ugly voice is gonna make an appearance. These last five or six months have just been a breeding ground for bad body image issues. Despite the fact that I’ve lost weight during that time. Actual fact has little to do with what the voices say in my head.
Whenever things seem a little too out of control to a control girl like me, I need to control something. And I can’t manage to get my house to look pristine because there are too many other people in this house with me to be able to accomplish that. So I turn inward, and I need to make my body look a certain way. It’s how it’s always been. And I’m finding that I’m sinking deeper into this every day. Now, being aware of it certainly helps because at least I know it’s going on. And Mike sees it and calls me on it daily, so there’s no danger of it becoming a big deal.
It’s just annoying that I know it’s happening and I know why it’s happening but still I can’t quite stop it. So it makes me moody and melancholy. And while I’m feeling fat, people are complimenting me on how I look, and I don’t believe them, and it’s a horrible cycle that I know too well.
I know I need to pray about it, but quite frankly, between the cancer and the child issues and the general losses, this hasn’t seemed to make my prayer rotation. You know, the rotating list in my head that I pray whenever I get a chance. This hasn’t made the list. I suppose now that God has graciously answered some of those other prayers, maybe I should add this one to the list.
Filed under Faith, Most Everything | Permalink | Comment (0)living with heartbreak for a tiny moment…
How do you host heart break? We fed it. Gave it strong, tasty drinks. Bought clothes for it’s baby. Encouraged it to laugh more. Listened to it. Sent it back home hoping maybe some of this will make it vaguely stronger.
And we’ll go back to just praying.
Filed under Faith | Permalink | Comment (1)being used…
As Mike and I were talking last night, I told him about a conversation I had recently in which someone told me that something I said had really made a difference to him, had enlightened him about something he was experiencing. I told Mike I didn’t really do much, other than share a shameful personal experience, to share something so that maybe I could show a different perspective.
Prior to the last six months or so, we’ve been out of church for a long time. And my personal Bible study and prayer time has been sporadic. Blessedly, several years ago, I worked through the feeling of being angry with God and of the feeling of worry that He was angry with me. But now, I must admit that the girl who so strongly supports the theory of grace is having a hard time accepting it myself. Not unusual given that Mike calls me the Queen of the Double Standard.
And that statement from this dear man I was sharing with last week made me feel very much like God just might be using me in his situation, and that wigs me out a bit because I am quite very much not worthy.
Mike, ever annoyingly logical, said, “You think He hasn’t been using you in these last few years? All of these young girls at work who go to lunch with you and who text you and chat you and tell you all of their problems and ask your advice… you think He isn’t using you in your answers to them?” I didn’t really have an answer for him.
I find myself at a point where moving forward with Christ is frightening to me. I am afraid of how He might use me, and I am completely overwhelmed by what He might ask or what I might do. And somehow I think that’s exactly the way it ought to be.
Filed under Faith | Permalink | Comment (0)20 - opportunities
Griff and I went and volunteered today with the church we’ve been attending, and it was a good chance for us to meet some people at the church. More than that, it was a good reminder of the opportunities we have been given. It was a good reminder of how very blessed we are.
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