whew…

Those times when I worry that we’ve harmed the kids by not having them in church for the last couple of years are always eased when I hear them talking about God without our prompting.

Mike’s reading Eliza a children’s Bible book now, and she asked him how God talks to us (as opposed to the outspoken God of the Old Testament). Before Mike could answer, Griff says, “You know how God talks to me? When I have questions about something and I think about it, and I come up with the answer, I think that’s God talking to me.”

We may not have instilled in them an understanding of the idea of corporate worship, but we have instilled in them a love for Christ and an understanding that what is most important (at least in my mind) is a personal relationship with Him.

Go. Us.

Filed under Faith | Permalink | Comment (0)
Tagged with: Eliza & Griff • Faith

sit down…

I have an announcement. We went to church this morning.

That’s right. Church. All four of us. It’s crazy talk, I know. But one of my 101 Things goals was to find a church for us to attend by Advent. Now, I don’t know that we’ll continue to attend this church forever, but it’s the one we’ve selected for Advent. We owe our commitment to finding and participating in a church entirely to our Eliza, who has been begging to go learn more about God (which I think both compliments us as parents in that we’ve taught her something so far and makes us look like really lousy parents in that we haven’t found a church prior to this).

Mike selected this church solely because of the Advent schedule. We’ve both always loved Advent. And it was nice to sit together through the service this morning… all four of us. Maybe this is the beginning of something good.

Filed under 101 Things in 1001 Days, Faith | Permalink | Comments (2)
Tagged with: 101 Things in 1001 Days • Advent • church

faith…

“Frantic orthodoxy is never rooted in faith but in doubt. It is when we are not sure that we are doubly sure.” — Reinhold Niebuhr

In a conversation with a friend yesterday, he said that I needed to determine how to articulate my own theology of faith, and that really resonated with me. I know what I believe. I know that my faith has evolved these last few years, even as we’ve been out of church itself. I just haven’t been able to articulate my own theology of faith.

I know that the faith I had as a child or as a young adult is not the faith that I have now. While I am most assuredly grateful for the solid foundation I was given by family and friends and wonderfully strong Christian mentors, I am also aware that the faith I have now is less accepting and more questioning. And I believe that it’s ok to question and to doubt and to inquire of God.

Maybe the crisis of faith I have been feeling is less a crisis and more an inability to properly articulate my faith, my moral compass, my belief structure. While that still leaves me with spiritual work to do, it also gives me hope that such work will be fulfilling to me and pleasing to Christ.

Filed under Faith | Permalink | Comment (0)
Tagged with: crisis of faith • Faith

two years later…

I wrote this post more than two years ago, and I’m ashamed to say that I’m still struggling with the same issues. Truth be told, I’m not a quick study when it comes to myself. I am my own worst critic, always harder on myself than on anyone else, and way too deep into double standards to be healthy.

If you want to read the entire post, go through the link above, but here’s a quick bit of it…

I’ve always been very forthcoming here (which may be interpreted either as good or bad, depending entirely upon your perspective), and I often try to work things out here that are swirling around in my head.

I’ve written before about my self-image and self-esteem issues before, and I’ve been thinking about some of those things lately.

One of the girls in my section came to me today to ask a question, and I answered her and then promptly told her to ask someone else to be sure. An older lady in my group who has been doing this for years asked me, “Michele, why do you do that? Your answers are usually right. Why do you assume you’re doing it wrong?”

And I don’t really have a good answer for that.

I’ve always felt like somewhere along the line, grownups forgot that genuine pride in work well done or in skills well honed was a good thing. All of that “pride goeth before the fall” stuff… I think that those most in danger of pride becoming arrogance are those who are the least affected by the sentiment. Those who should feel a genuine pride and confidence sometimes take the meekness too far.

And while I doubt anyone would describe me as ‘meek’ and while I’m quite sure that wasn’t the reason I did it, I did at some point begin to downplay my own talents and skills in an effort to not seem ‘braggy.’ But I think it wasn’t the best choice, and now it’s an irritating habit.

The way I feel in my head isn’t always accurately reflected by the things I say about myself. And that’s a weird disconnect.

I still do that. I really think that the way I feel about myself is so much more positive than the things I say about myself. And I think I say those unpleasant things for odd reasons… under the guise of not coming off as a know-it-all or in order to appear approachable or to go ahead and set things up for if I don’t do well.

But that’s such a lousy way to approach things. I wouldn’t let my kids do that to themselves. And as I work on approaching 40 and on the seriously freak-out way I feel about 40, I think this is something I need to work on.

I have this long history of underestimating my own value in terms of how people see me. I told a friend last week that we were ‘work friends’ and  not ‘real friends,’ which is insulting to both of us. I did later apologize, and when I did I shared the story of how I introduced my friend, Linda, as ‘my boss’ when she came to visit me and Eliza in the hospital the night Eliza was born. This woman & I had spent time in one another’s homes, kept one another’s children, knew all about one another’s lives. And yet, somehow, I was still unsure. (For the record, she was very angry with me, but later forgave me. I think.)

I need to work at remembering that people see me as more than just everyone’s mama at work. I need to remember, as a friend told me last night, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that if Christ loves me completely, I should probably love myself the same way.

One of the things on my 101 Things list is to write another 100 Things About Chel list, and I think maybe that’s a good place to start in terms of seeing myself clearly.

I’m making a specific effort to not re-read the first list so that what I write now is what I love about me now. I think my goal may be to have it up and posted by the weekend.

Filed under 101 Things in 1001 Days, Faith | Permalink | Comments (2)
Tagged with: 101 Things • pride • self-esteem

the chase is on…

Originally, I began this blog (back in its original incarnation) as a sort of online diary. It was easier to type than to handwrite my thoughts (which I have been doing for years and years). It’s been a bit of a personal history for me, a chronicle of the good and bad points of life, a narrative of my faith.

I am pretty sure that happiness is fleeting. It’s something that comes and goes with the wind or the sun or the latest fall fashions or a surprise present in the mail or a really good milkshake.

But contentment is a different matter. Contentment is a deeper, more abiding sense of being. It is rarely as tingly or exciting as happiness, but it is also not as dark or painful as unhappiness. Contentment is peaceful. And despite my way-too-wound up personality, some peaceful contentment is what I seek.

The verse on the main blog page is my goal in life…

Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.
Phillipians 4:11

I say it’s a goal because it is certainly not something I accomplish on a daily basis. There have been weeks and months stretched out end to end when I wasn’t much content and I certainly wasn’t happy. But even in the darkest of my days, I knew what my goal was. I knew what I was striving to achieve… where my chase would lead me. I wanted to arrive at a point where, when all of the trappings of life and difficulty were stripped away, I was content with my life.

My search for contentment has taken many forms through the years. I’ve needed to find contentment in my friendships, my relationship with my parents, my self-image and body image and feelings of self-worth, in my own parenting, in my job, in my professional endeavors, in my social lives.

My faith journey has seen evidence of that search for contentment. I’ve sought to know God more deeply, to connect more intimately. I’ve attempted to see God through a more logical eye (I’m not given over to logic just all that much, so that one was a real struggle). I’ve tried to read spiritual self-help books (not very successfully). I’ve felt comfortable and peaceful in my prayer life.

But all of that was before we moved here to Florida and my life went a little haywire. I’ve not been shy about sharing that, at first, I was really, painfully angry with God. And then, I thought God might be angry with me. And then, there was a quiet stillness. A nothingness at times.

I believe with all my heart that God exists and that He is a kind and caring Lord. I believe that He created all and that He is in control of all. I just don’t feel His presence much any longer.

When we lived in Louisiana and were first married, I drove past a little, tiny church a couple of times a day. It had one of those signs that had proverbs or homespun wisdom (or stupid little sayings) on it. The one that stayed with me was ‘If there’s a distance between you and God, it wasn’t God that moved.”

I believe that to be true. But in all honesty, I’m not sure how to get back to Him.

It’s clear that I have either inadvertently become an agnostic (which Mike routinely says isn’t the case… he says if I struggle with as many questions as I do, then I’m still deeply invested in the idea of a personal relationship with Christ) or I am having a crisis of faith.

I think sometimes a crisis of faith is a good thing. I think it can lead to a deeper and more intense relationship with God. I also think that contentment isn’t necessarily something I want to achieve in that relationship. I think I should always want something more, something greater there.

But for now, I think chasing a little contentment in my relationship with Christ is as good way to find my way back to Him as any. I am thankful that He didn’t move and is waiting for me to find the right path back.

Filed under Faith, Thankful Thursday | Permalink | Comments (7)
Tagged with: contentment • crisis of faith • Faith