the chase is on…
Originally, I began this blog (back in its original incarnation) as a sort of online diary. It was easier to type than to handwrite my thoughts (which I have been doing for years and years). It’s been a bit of a personal history for me, a chronicle of the good and bad points of life, a narrative of my faith.
I am pretty sure that happiness is fleeting. It’s something that comes and goes with the wind or the sun or the latest fall fashions or a surprise present in the mail or a really good milkshake.
But contentment is a different matter. Contentment is a deeper, more abiding sense of being. It is rarely as tingly or exciting as happiness, but it is also not as dark or painful as unhappiness. Contentment is peaceful. And despite my way-too-wound up personality, some peaceful contentment is what I seek.
The verse on the main blog page is my goal in life…
Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.
Phillipians 4:11
I say it’s a goal because it is certainly not something I accomplish on a daily basis. There have been weeks and months stretched out end to end when I wasn’t much content and I certainly wasn’t happy. But even in the darkest of my days, I knew what my goal was. I knew what I was striving to achieve… where my chase would lead me. I wanted to arrive at a point where, when all of the trappings of life and difficulty were stripped away, I was content with my life.
My search for contentment has taken many forms through the years. I’ve needed to find contentment in my friendships, my relationship with my parents, my self-image and body image and feelings of self-worth, in my own parenting, in my job, in my professional endeavors, in my social lives.
My faith journey has seen evidence of that search for contentment. I’ve sought to know God more deeply, to connect more intimately. I’ve attempted to see God through a more logical eye (I’m not given over to logic just all that much, so that one was a real struggle). I’ve tried to read spiritual self-help books (not very successfully). I’ve felt comfortable and peaceful in my prayer life.
But all of that was before we moved here to Florida and my life went a little haywire. I’ve not been shy about sharing that, at first, I was really, painfully angry with God. And then, I thought God might be angry with me. And then, there was a quiet stillness. A nothingness at times.
I believe with all my heart that God exists and that He is a kind and caring Lord. I believe that He created all and that He is in control of all. I just don’t feel His presence much any longer.
When we lived in Louisiana and were first married, I drove past a little, tiny church a couple of times a day. It had one of those signs that had proverbs or homespun wisdom (or stupid little sayings) on it. The one that stayed with me was ‘If there’s a distance between you and God, it wasn’t God that moved.”
I believe that to be true. But in all honesty, I’m not sure how to get back to Him.
It’s clear that I have either inadvertently become an agnostic (which Mike routinely says isn’t the case… he says if I struggle with as many questions as I do, then I’m still deeply invested in the idea of a personal relationship with Christ) or I am having a crisis of faith.
I think sometimes a crisis of faith is a good thing. I think it can lead to a deeper and more intense relationship with God. I also think that contentment isn’t necessarily something I want to achieve in that relationship. I think I should always want something more, something greater there.
But for now, I think chasing a little contentment in my relationship with Christ is as good way to find my way back to Him as any. I am thankful that He didn’t move and is waiting for me to find the right path back.
Filed under Faith, Thankful Thursday | Permalink | Comments (7)Tagged with: contentment • crisis of faith • Faith
Menu Plan Monday - Finally
February was a busy month for us… we had visitors, I did a lot of traveling. In general, there wasn’t any menu planning at all. It was more of a ‘eat whatever you can find/what should we take out tonight’ mentality. I’m actually glad to be back to this, looking forward to some homecooked meals.
I’ve gotten both the Paula Deen magazine and the Food Network magazine recently, so I’m thinking we’ll be trying new recipes.
Sunday - Chicken tacos with black beans (I LOVE black beans. My kids not so much, but whatever.) and apple carrot slaw (I’ll take any leftover chicken and beans and make chicken taco calzones for Griff’s lunch.)
Monday -brinner - pancakes with sausage
Tuesday - Veggie Burgers (Food Network mag recipe), fruit salad
Wednesday - Fried chicken strips with broccoli & parm, glazed carrots
Thursday - Chicken and yellow rice
Friday - We’ll have Hayden and Hannah for an overnight visit, so I think we’ll get pizza for the kids. Mike and I have tickets to an Astros Spring Training game, so the sitter can hand out pizza.
Filed under Thankful Thursday, Uncategorized, Wordless Wednesday | Permalink | Comments (2)My heart breaks… even as I’m thankful
I wrote last week about my friend, Mandy, and her illness. They did diagnose her with MS this week, and they began a steroid IV treatment Sunday evening. Her strength and coordination improved, as did her general alertness. There are, however, things that haven’t improved… things that concern us. 
Two weeks ago, my Mandy was the news editor of the fifth largest newspaper in the state of Louisiana. And she was really good at it. Today, she’s having difficulty completing a worksheet that most first graders could complete with ease. It’s startling and shocking.
It hurts my heart.
Now, MS is a notoriously tricky disease to deal with because it affects each person differently. My friend, Mika, has responded well to the MS drug therapies. Mike’s mom didn’t have those therapies as an option when she was diagnosed with MS.
We want the very best for Mandy. We love her unfailingly. I know Mike must be thinking about his mom a lot these days. I know we’re both thinking that we want things to turn out differently for Mandy.
I keep thinking about the similarities between Mike’s dad and Josh, men who now share a similar path. Mike’s dad is hands down the most compassionate individual I have ever met. He nurtured and carried for Lillie (Eliza’s named after her paternal grandmother) even when Lillie was angry and upset and unhappy to be cared for at all.
Josh talks about reading that MS patients are often angry with their caregivers. I saw that in Lillie. I want to tell Josh that won’t happen, but I don’t believe that. Josh is like Jerry in more ways that he knows. He’s more prepared for this journey than he thinks, though I surely understand his fears. I can’t bring myself to tell him that God won’t give him more than he can handle. It feels patronizing even if it is what I believe.
This is hard for everyone. Mandy’s mom is caring for little Olivia, who has to miss her mommy and daddy. Mandy’s mom has to be frightened for her daughter, for both of her precious little girls. Josh is missing his Mandy, even while she lies in the room with him. Everyone in this hurts.
I’m leaving work early tomorrow and flying back to spend the weekend. My friend, Linda, will pick me up at the airport, regardless of how long my layover in Houston ends up being (I always get stuck in Houston). She’ll drive me to the hospital where I will most likely stay all weekend.
Me being at the hospital with Mandy will allow Josh to go home and rest and play with Olivia.
I’m so thankful for the opportunity to go. I know it will be hard to be there, hard to leave. But I’m grateful to have easily found a workable flight, to have tax money coming in to cover the flight, to have a husband who cares about this enough to send me away for the weekend.
I am thankful that I am far enough removed from my period of doubt that I can say, even in this uncertainty, that I trust in my God to provide, to care for us all.
Filed under Faith, Thankful Thursday | Permalink | Comments (3)Tagged with: Faith • Mandy • Thankful Thursday
Menu Plan Monday
It’s hard to believe it’s almost Monday again… another week upon us.
Griff gets his report card this week (we’re expecting it to be a teaching moment, if you know what I mean).And Mike scheduled a sitter for Friday, so we’re going on our first date in way too long. I can hardly wait!
Until then, here’s what’s cooking at our house…
Sunday - Roasted beer can chicken, fresh corn and red peppers, strawberry and pineapple salad … with a homemade king cake for dessert
Monday -Lemon Chicken with Broccoli (served over spaghetti squash)
Tuesday - Mexican chicken and rice with black beans (yum… my favorite!)
Wednesday - gumbo (from the freezer to the Crock-Pot)
Thursday - grilled sandwiches and steak fries
Friday - pizza for the kids and the babysitter… Mike and I are going out on a date!
Filed under Thankful Thursday, Uncategorized, Wordless Wednesday | Permalink | Comment (1)It’s a Thankful Thursday…
I’m having a good day… geez, how delightful is it to say that. So today’s an easy Thankful Thursday. Now, my thankfuls are kinda basic, but I think the basics are what make this life.
I’m thankful for…
- beads and wire and clasps and baubles
- Cracker Barrel biscuits
- the ability to help other folks at work
- 3.5 extra points and 2.8 pounds (more on that at a later time)
- asthma inhalers on cold days
- Diet Coke
- funny NBC Thursday night tv
- good teachers
- weekends
- fish who haven’t died yet in the tank ‘o death
- books
- little girl dreams
- ice cream surprises
- warm quilts
- Fridays
Tagged with: Cracker Barrel • Thankful Thursday
