two years later…

I wrote this post more than two years ago, and I’m ashamed to say that I’m still struggling with the same issues. Truth be told, I’m not a quick study when it comes to myself. I am my own worst critic, always harder on myself than on anyone else, and way too deep into double standards to be healthy.

If you want to read the entire post, go through the link above, but here’s a quick bit of it…

I’ve always been very forthcoming here (which may be interpreted either as good or bad, depending entirely upon your perspective), and I often try to work things out here that are swirling around in my head.

I’ve written before about my self-image and self-esteem issues before, and I’ve been thinking about some of those things lately.

One of the girls in my section came to me today to ask a question, and I answered her and then promptly told her to ask someone else to be sure. An older lady in my group who has been doing this for years asked me, “Michele, why do you do that? Your answers are usually right. Why do you assume you’re doing it wrong?”

And I don’t really have a good answer for that.

I’ve always felt like somewhere along the line, grownups forgot that genuine pride in work well done or in skills well honed was a good thing. All of that “pride goeth before the fall” stuff… I think that those most in danger of pride becoming arrogance are those who are the least affected by the sentiment. Those who should feel a genuine pride and confidence sometimes take the meekness too far.

And while I doubt anyone would describe me as ‘meek’ and while I’m quite sure that wasn’t the reason I did it, I did at some point begin to downplay my own talents and skills in an effort to not seem ‘braggy.’ But I think it wasn’t the best choice, and now it’s an irritating habit.

The way I feel in my head isn’t always accurately reflected by the things I say about myself. And that’s a weird disconnect.

I still do that. I really think that the way I feel about myself is so much more positive than the things I say about myself. And I think I say those unpleasant things for odd reasons… under the guise of not coming off as a know-it-all or in order to appear approachable or to go ahead and set things up for if I don’t do well.

But that’s such a lousy way to approach things. I wouldn’t let my kids do that to themselves. And as I work on approaching 40 and on the seriously freak-out way I feel about 40, I think this is something I need to work on.

I have this long history of underestimating my own value in terms of how people see me. I told a friend last week that we were ‘work friends’ and  not ‘real friends,’ which is insulting to both of us. I did later apologize, and when I did I shared the story of how I introduced my friend, Linda, as ‘my boss’ when she came to visit me and Eliza in the hospital the night Eliza was born. This woman & I had spent time in one another’s homes, kept one another’s children, knew all about one another’s lives. And yet, somehow, I was still unsure. (For the record, she was very angry with me, but later forgave me. I think.)

I need to work at remembering that people see me as more than just everyone’s mama at work. I need to remember, as a friend told me last night, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that if Christ loves me completely, I should probably love myself the same way.

One of the things on my 101 Things list is to write another 100 Things About Chel list, and I think maybe that’s a good place to start in terms of seeing myself clearly.

I’m making a specific effort to not re-read the first list so that what I write now is what I love about me now. I think my goal may be to have it up and posted by the weekend.

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Tagged with: 101 Things • pride • self-esteem

Everything but the baby…

I always loved going to Baton Rouge and going by Gambino’s on our way home from Mike’s folks’ house. This time of year, they’d have these huge racks all in the bakery filled with all manner of king cakes. How I loved wandering through and picking flavors.

Before we had kids, we’d get their praline king cake… oh, my gosh, just thinking about it makes me a little woozy. But, with the nut allergies, we had to cut that out with the kids. Enter the brownie filled king cake. Again, amazing.

But in all honesty, I like the plain ones, too. Simple cinnamon bread with a creamy icing and super fine colored sugars. But, alas, we can’t so much get them here in Florida.

So I made one of my own. And it was good! Now, the icing needs work, and the only sugars I had were pastel, but it was good anyway.

Here’s the recipe (from Weekend Getaways) with a few modifications…

1 c milk @ room temp

1 tsp vanilla extract

2 pkgs active dry yeast (I used rapid rise.)

1/3 c granulated sugar (I substituted Splenda.)

1 tsp salt

1/2 c shortening (I used butter.)

2 eggs, beaten

4 c all-purpose flour

Cinnamon sugar

Put the milk in a small bowl and add the flavoring. Dissolve the yeast in the milk and set aside for a few minutes until foamy. (**With the rapid rise, follow the directions on the yeast package.) In a large bowl, cream well together the sugar, salt, and shortening. Add the beaten eggs and continue creaming. Blend in the yeast mixture and add the flour slowly, kneading constantly until the dough is smooth and pliable, about 10 minutes. Allow the dough to rise in a warm place for about an hour and a half or until double in size.(Again, follow the yeast package directions if using the rapid rise.)

Roll the dough out in a rectangular shape and brush the surface with vegetable oil. Sprinkle liberally with cinnamon sugar. (I made a paste of butter, cinnamon and Splenda brown sugar and spread that all on the dough.) Seal in the sugar by folding the dough in half lengthwise. Cut the dough into three even strips, sealing the edges, and then braid the strips together. Form the braided dough into a circle and let it rise until double in size.(Ok, come on, I did not braid anything. I made a big circle with the dough and called it a day).

Preheat the oven to 370 degrees and bake until brown.

I got the icing recipe from What We’re Eating, but I must have done something a little odd since mine wasn’t thick enough.

2 cups powdered sugar, sifted
1 tsp vanilla
1 tbsp butter, melted
4 tbsp milk
pinch o’ salt

As for the colored sugars on top, I took the easy way out and used colored sugars that I already had. Pretty tasty if I do say so myself.

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Tagged with: 101 Things • Gambino's • king cake

Fondue Fun…

This weekend, we had the cousins stay with us, and last night, I made fondue. It was a good time, I have to admit. We had cheese fondue with veggies (followed by a rotisserie chicken… I had to fill up two pre-teen boys, after all) and then chocolate fondue with fruit and marshmallows. Yummy all around.

As part of my 101 List, I wanted to try new recipes, so I used a recipe from Paula Deen for the cheese fondue. The recipe is…

2 c grated Gruyere

2 c grated Swiss

2-3 tbs flour

2 1/2 c white wine

nutmeg

Grate cheese. Mix flour in with cheese. Simmer the wine in a pan or skillet on the stove and then add the cheese a bit at a time until it’s all melted and the mixture is thickened. Transfer to a fondue pot.

** I used Sparkling Grape Juice with the kids, and it gave the fondue a slightly sweet taste. I also used a bit of Havarti and some Buttercase, too, in with the other cheeses. Instead of nutmeg, I added freshly ground pepper.

For the chocolate fondue, I melted several squares of Ghiradelli semi-sweet chocolate with a handful of white chocolate chips and semi-sweet chocolate chips with just an itty-bit of oil. We used firm, fresh strawberries and bananas as our fruit dippers.

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Chel’s 101 Things in 1001 Days

Years ago, I started a 101 Things list, and I’ve decided to start another one. This list will end on September 29, 2011… the day after Mike’s 40th birthday. The rules are simple…

The Mission:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as New Year’s resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

And so… here’s my list.

Chel’s 101 Things in 1001 Days List

1. Read the Bible through… the whole darned thing, even the difficult and the dry and the dreary par
2. Start a college fund for Griff and Eliza (poor babies better hope they’re smart… I’m thinking scholarships are going to be necessary.)
3. Pay off ALL credit card debt.
4. Join and become active in a church (The actual REALLY final goal for this one is 12/31/09).
5. Take a yoga class.
6. Take a belly-dancing class.
7. Join a book club, if only for one book.
8. Read 100 books. Keep a list on Library Thing. (0/100)
9. Review half of those books on my blog. (0/50)
10. Grow herbs. Don’t kill them.
11. Grow cucumbers. Don’t kill them either.
12. Mail a secret to Post Secret.
13. Tell Mike the secret.
14. Get promoted at work.
15. Take and pass three more insurance classes at work. (0/3)
16. Participate in the 365 Day Challenge. (0/365)
17. Lose 50 pounds. (0/50)
18. Buy handmade products for gifts as often as possible.
19. Submit a book proposal to a publisher.
20. Consider Aleece’s suggestion to blog for pay… or to at least add ads.
21. Take both kids to an art museum.
22. Hold my new niece.
23. Memorize the books of the Bible.
24. Take a weekend trip with Mika and Tara.
25. Lower my cholesterol to 175 or lower and keep it in that range.
26. Institute regular family outdoor activity days. (I hate the outdoors, but the weather here is fabulous & I want the kids to cultivate an active lifestyle.)
27. Take Mike to see the Blue Man Group in Orlando.
28. See a really good ballet.
29. Fly the four of us to Houston to meet Mandy, Josh, and Olivia to see an Astros game.
30. Begin a skip day tradition for me and Eliza like the one Mike has with Griff (Spring Training).
31. Teach Eliza to ride a bike without training wheels.
32. Go on a bicycle trail ride with Mike and the kids.
33. Teach Eliza to swim.
34. Take the kids swimming with the manatees.
35. Take the kids kayaking.
36. Take the kids to the drive-in theatre.
37. Send hand-written thank you cards.
38. Scan my grandmother’s old photos.
39. Take both kids to the Nick Hotel.
40. Donate jewelry to good causes.
41. Give blood.
42. Volunteer to organizations that allow children to assist as well. Instill in the kids a sense of community and of giving.
43. Make the kids work (though we don’t call the tasks ‘chores’… we’re calling them Things You Should Do Because You Live Here).
44. Create a piece of jewelry for my mom from the broken pieces of my late grandmother’s jewelry.
45. Vote.
46. Write a letter to the editor.
47. Write a letter to a government official about a cause I believe is important.
48. Take photos of my messy house. Make a collage of those photos. Mix in photos of my happy kids. Remind myself happy kids are more important than a clean house.
49. Teach Griffin about being a gentleman.
50. Read the Harry Potter books to Eliza (this will be close to the end of the 1001 days).
51. Write a new 100 Wonderful Things About Me list.
52. Get a tattoo (ok, maybe not, but I think about it a lot).
53. Try 100 new recipes. (0/100)
54. Post and review at least half them on my blog. (0/50)
55. Write Tara a short story for her birthday (the current working title is “Tools, Guns, and Pie.”).
56. Serve my family one vegetarian meal a week. (0/143)
57. Wear a pedometer. Average 7-10,000 steps per day.
58. Print photos from Snapfish. All of them. Put them in albums.
59. Tithe. Not necessarily the 10 percent the Old Testament mentions, but enough that we are literally invested in the church.
60. Every July, send flowers to someone for no good reason. (0/3)
61. Have a standing date night with Mike every three months. (0/12)
62. See an old movie at the old theatre here in town.
63. Calculate my carbon footprint.
64. Take specific steps to shrinking my carbon footprint.
65. Begin a vacation fund for a romantic trip with Mike.
66. Give at least one compliment every day. (1/1001)
67. Pray with Mike.
68. Read the Bible with the kids.
69. Thank my kids’ teachers.
70. Buy a Starbucks for the person behind me in line as a surprise.
71. Shop locally.
72. Cook with fresh foods as often as possible.
73. Buy fewer books. Use BookMooch or the library instead.
74. For the books I do buy, use Eco-Libris.
75. Floss. (dammit)
76. Register online as an organ donor.
77. Plant a lime tree in our yard. Or two. Maybe two.
78. Paint the outside of the house a non-icky color.
79. Create a budget.
80. Stick to the budget.
81. Save several thousand dollars in an emergency fund.
82. Go to a women’s spiritual retreat. Convince Stacy to go with me.
83. Spend a weekend at a spa with LeeAnn.
84. Take Aleece to an art museum.
85. Go to Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween every year with Mandy, Josh, and Olivia.
86. Start and maintain a scrapbook for our Halloween adventures from #85.
87. Keep a prayer journal.
88. Go to the local Farmer’s Market every couple of months.
89. Color my hair blonde for at least a little while.
90. Surprise the kids with a day trip somewhere fun.
91. Complete the Couch to 5K program.
92. Get “Band of Brothers” from Netflix for Mike and sleep while he watches it.
93. Re-design the back porch so it’s more functional and friendly (to me… the lizards already find it very functional and friendly).
94. Take a family portrait.
95. Take a hot bath at least once a week. (Seriously… I love baths, but I hate trecking across the house to the kids’ bathroom where there’s a tub.) (0/143)
96. Replace the van with a hybrid.
97. Have people who are not related to us to dinner at our house (I used to love to have people over for dinner before we moved!).
98. Have Eliza tested for her allergies.
99. Have Griff tested again for his pet allergies.
100. Rescue a dog from the pound.
101. Set aside one Sunday evening a month to call far-away friends. (0/33)

Eventually, there will be a daycounter here to keep me on track. I, of course, being technically challenged, will have to send my personal webmaster, Aleece, a nice begging note. She’ll post it & all will be well. I should have added “thank Aleece routinely” as my 102nd item.

102. Thank Aleece routinely.

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Tagged with: 101 Things

My New 101 Things List

Several years ago, I posted a list of 101 things for me to do in 1001 days. It’s part of the Day Zero project. At the time I wrote the list, I had no idea we would move across the country and have our lives turned upside down before my 1001 days were finished.

I know that lists are good (I love a list) and that goals are important (it’s been a really, really long time since I had definable personal goals). But I also know that God is the only one who knows my future and how my life will proceed.

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” Matthew 6:34 The Message

I’m making a new list, and I’m excited about the possibilities on this list. But I’m also mindful of the fact that my life could change at any given moment and the goals on the list might cease to be feasible. And I’m okay with that. I’ve discovered that I really do trust the Lord to provide and that it really is okay to give Him the control.

“I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen. When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.” Jeremiah 29:10-12 The Message

I’ll be interested to see, in 1001 days, how my plan merged and diverged from God’s plan.

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Tagged with: 101 Things • Faith