whew…

Those times when I worry that we’ve harmed the kids by not having them in church for the last couple of years are always eased when I hear them talking about God without our prompting.

Mike’s reading Eliza a children’s Bible book now, and she asked him how God talks to us (as opposed to the outspoken God of the Old Testament). Before Mike could answer, Griff says, “You know how God talks to me? When I have questions about something and I think about it, and I come up with the answer, I think that’s God talking to me.”

We may not have instilled in them an understanding of the idea of corporate worship, but we have instilled in them a love for Christ and an understanding that what is most important (at least in my mind) is a personal relationship with Him.

Go. Us.

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Tagged with: Eliza & Griff • Faith

faith…

“Frantic orthodoxy is never rooted in faith but in doubt. It is when we are not sure that we are doubly sure.” — Reinhold Niebuhr

In a conversation with a friend yesterday, he said that I needed to determine how to articulate my own theology of faith, and that really resonated with me. I know what I believe. I know that my faith has evolved these last few years, even as we’ve been out of church itself. I just haven’t been able to articulate my own theology of faith.

I know that the faith I had as a child or as a young adult is not the faith that I have now. While I am most assuredly grateful for the solid foundation I was given by family and friends and wonderfully strong Christian mentors, I am also aware that the faith I have now is less accepting and more questioning. And I believe that it’s ok to question and to doubt and to inquire of God.

Maybe the crisis of faith I have been feeling is less a crisis and more an inability to properly articulate my faith, my moral compass, my belief structure. While that still leaves me with spiritual work to do, it also gives me hope that such work will be fulfilling to me and pleasing to Christ.

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Tagged with: crisis of faith • Faith

so very grateful…

As I’ve been struggling with turning 40 and with my self-image and with my crisis of faith, I’ve had some remarkable discussions with some really amazing individuals. And I’m reminded again of how God places specific people in our paths at specific times to address our needs.

I try so hard to always be aware of how God can use me with someone else that I sometimes forget that He’s sending people to me, too.

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Tagged with: crisis of faith • Faith

the chase is on…

Originally, I began this blog (back in its original incarnation) as a sort of online diary. It was easier to type than to handwrite my thoughts (which I have been doing for years and years). It’s been a bit of a personal history for me, a chronicle of the good and bad points of life, a narrative of my faith.

I am pretty sure that happiness is fleeting. It’s something that comes and goes with the wind or the sun or the latest fall fashions or a surprise present in the mail or a really good milkshake.

But contentment is a different matter. Contentment is a deeper, more abiding sense of being. It is rarely as tingly or exciting as happiness, but it is also not as dark or painful as unhappiness. Contentment is peaceful. And despite my way-too-wound up personality, some peaceful contentment is what I seek.

The verse on the main blog page is my goal in life…

Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.
Phillipians 4:11

I say it’s a goal because it is certainly not something I accomplish on a daily basis. There have been weeks and months stretched out end to end when I wasn’t much content and I certainly wasn’t happy. But even in the darkest of my days, I knew what my goal was. I knew what I was striving to achieve… where my chase would lead me. I wanted to arrive at a point where, when all of the trappings of life and difficulty were stripped away, I was content with my life.

My search for contentment has taken many forms through the years. I’ve needed to find contentment in my friendships, my relationship with my parents, my self-image and body image and feelings of self-worth, in my own parenting, in my job, in my professional endeavors, in my social lives.

My faith journey has seen evidence of that search for contentment. I’ve sought to know God more deeply, to connect more intimately. I’ve attempted to see God through a more logical eye (I’m not given over to logic just all that much, so that one was a real struggle). I’ve tried to read spiritual self-help books (not very successfully). I’ve felt comfortable and peaceful in my prayer life.

But all of that was before we moved here to Florida and my life went a little haywire. I’ve not been shy about sharing that, at first, I was really, painfully angry with God. And then, I thought God might be angry with me. And then, there was a quiet stillness. A nothingness at times.

I believe with all my heart that God exists and that He is a kind and caring Lord. I believe that He created all and that He is in control of all. I just don’t feel His presence much any longer.

When we lived in Louisiana and were first married, I drove past a little, tiny church a couple of times a day. It had one of those signs that had proverbs or homespun wisdom (or stupid little sayings) on it. The one that stayed with me was ‘If there’s a distance between you and God, it wasn’t God that moved.”

I believe that to be true. But in all honesty, I’m not sure how to get back to Him.

It’s clear that I have either inadvertently become an agnostic (which Mike routinely says isn’t the case… he says if I struggle with as many questions as I do, then I’m still deeply invested in the idea of a personal relationship with Christ) or I am having a crisis of faith.

I think sometimes a crisis of faith is a good thing. I think it can lead to a deeper and more intense relationship with God. I also think that contentment isn’t necessarily something I want to achieve in that relationship. I think I should always want something more, something greater there.

But for now, I think chasing a little contentment in my relationship with Christ is as good way to find my way back to Him as any. I am thankful that He didn’t move and is waiting for me to find the right path back.

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Tagged with: contentment • crisis of faith • Faith

beach lessons

Each year, we go to St. Pete Beach with Mike’s brother and his family. It’s one of my favorite weekends each year.

Now, sure, while I was holding Eliza in the water, a wave knocked me over, and I scraped both shins on the shells on the ocean floor. And yeah, a jellyfish stung me (or a fish bit me, depending upon who you ask). And yes, despite Bullfrog SPF 70, I’m burned a shocking shade of red.

But I am a happy scraped, stung, burned girl.

It’s no secret that the lessons I learn at the beach are all about God. I can’t help but see Him there. I can’t decide if that’s because the His workmanship is on such display there or if it’s just the one place where I’m not able to worry much about work and where I’m completely at peace. Probably the latter.

But I sit on the sand and hold shells in my hand and am amazed by the detail on each one. The lines and the colors and the designs. We were collecting shells for Eliza and Hannah to use in a craft project, and Mike asked me if I only wanted the perfect ones.

I told him that I usually start only picking up the perfect ones, but then I find one that’s really pretty but has a crack in it. Or one of that has the remains of other shells on it. Or a tiny piece of what was clearly a much larger shell. And I remember that God doesn’t just keep the perfect people. He wants all of us, cracks and broken pieces and all. Most of the time, it’s those of us who are cracked and broken who need love most of all.

So I’ve got a bucket full of imperfect and perfectly lovely shells. And I’ve got a renewed sense of gratitude that God loves me regardless of the myriad of imperfections.

And that seems like a reminder that is well worth the scrapes and the sting and the burn.

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Tagged with: beach • Faith • God • shells