and so it goes…
If I have a friend who brings nothing to our relationship, I don’t continue with that friendship. If I have a friend who brings negativity to my life, I cut my ties with that friend. I am too old and have too many things in my life that demand my time to waste my time on people who drain my time and energy and lifeblood without bringing something positive to my table.
Why is it I have people in my life who bring mostly negative energy and yet I tolerate it because they are blood relatives? What makes blood more important than anything else?
I got a letter from my father on our anniversary (last Friday… 16 years… yay, us!) telling us that he felt led by God to remind us that our marriage was in danger if we didn’t join a church. That we weren’t being good parents because we weren’t taking the kids to church, that we were putting other things in ahead of church.
Now, I’m not usually one to respond. I’m aware that my dad enjoys debating and drawing people … me and my brother, my grandmother, specifically … into debates with him that he won’t discuss fairly or allow anyone to leave in a reasonable manner. When I was in my teens and early 20s, I didn’t see how he handled things, how he manipulated us into these destructive interactions, but once I moved out and was on my own, I was able to see that not everyone interacted in that manner. And I was able to begin to establish my own way of handling things.
Mike and I married when we were both in our early 20s, and we built this lovely way of interacting that is open and honest and has none of the trappings that I had/have in my relationship with my parents. And now that I know that I don’t respond well to that sort of relationship, I just don’t bite when he tries to engage me.
But that letter… on my anniversary.
I sent what I thought was a calm and reasonable emailed response. I told them that our marriage is on really solid footing and that we’re quite happy together. I told him that we’re aware that the world is touching our children, as he stated, but that we believe that it’s our responsibility to nurture their spiritual foundation, not the church’s.
I told him that he was completely right, that we did feel that church wasn’t more important than other things. We feel that each individual’s personal relationship with Christ is more important than all other things. Church is an extension of that. As it turns out, we had already chosen a church earlier this summer, but I hadn’t told them (as with most things).
Within hours, I got a response from him that was highlighted by my father’s use of multiple Scriptures. Now, my parents are the most God-fearing individuals with the most in-depth knowledge of Scripture I can imagine. I am in awe of their knowledge. That said, they have both on occasion used both Scripture and their knowledge of it a weapon. He mentioned that it is his responsibility as a father and grandfather to rebuke us when he sees us sinning.
Well, lovely. I haven’t responded to that one.
Now, again. These are dear, sweet, Christian people. Which is what makes me feel so conflicted about all of this. I hate that they offer unsolicited advice, rebuking. I wish they would keep it to themselves. Their visits, their cards with the advice, their letters and calls… they cause more stress within our marriage than provide help.
And yet, on the rare occasion that I stand up for myself and suggest that they need to give us some space or defend our choices, they respond so vehemently that it hardly seems worth the effort. It is draining. To date, they haven’t said anything too harsh to either of my kids. They’ve said things about my kids to me, but not to the kids. The day that happens is the day all bets are off. I’ll put up with a lot myself, but I won’t put up with anything regarding my kids.
And yet, what’s up with that? Seriously. What does that say about me? I’m willing to stand up for my kids but not for myself. I’m not sure what it says, but I know it’s true.
And I know that the experience reminds me of several things…
I am safest with completely superficial topics with my parents. I remember why I gave up on the hope of having a meaningful relationship with them years ago. I remember why I work so hard to foster important, meaningful relationships with Christian friends.
I am so grateful that I have a clear vision of the type of relationship I want to have with my children both now and as they grow older.
And I am deeply thankful to have been able to be a part of various families through my life who have built really exceptional relationships with their children and their children’s children and who have provided me with superb examples to follow.
And I am blessed to be friends with both my brother and my brother’s wife, and I count it a deep blessing to be able to discuss these things with them. Neither of my parents are on speaking terms with any of their siblings, and I think they are missing something so wonderful. I am so terribly grateful to not miss that.
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happily happy … even ever after
Next week, Mike and I will celebrate our 16th anniversary. I am delighted to say that we will celebrate it happily. There were times during this last year when I wasn’t so sure.
Mike and I have always been easy. Things between us just flow. We have had difficult times… times when the world around us was difficult, when situations were difficult, when this or that wasn’t easy. But rarely have we had times when things between us weren’t easy. But this last year was pretty much one long exercise in not easy between us.
As I approached my 40th birthday, I had to do some looking at myself and my life, and I was unsettled for a time. In the midst of that, I had a man hit on me & I was flattered, I admit. And then for a period last year, Mike didn’t so much groove to me for reasons of his own. As I talked to my girlfriends about what I was going through, I was surprised (but reassured) to discover how many women in my age range were struggling with similar issues.
Choices we made 10, 15, 20 years ago that seemed reasonable at the time seemed to have snowballed into something unmanageable now. Sure, hon, I’ll take a job doing something I don’t love so you can pursue your passion but once you’re all established, I’ll switch to something more suited to me. You go get your degree & I’ll put you through school with the understanding that once you’re done, it’ll be my turn. Little sacrifices that made sense, that were supposed to be just the beginning in a tit for tat situation somehow turned into a lifetime of something else. Tit never turned into tat. Old habits turned into lifestyles. And too often, we looked up and wondered if we made the right choices.
But, blessedly, with some work, we ended the year as we began it… happily together. Last weekend, as I got a pedicure, the nail tech laughed after I told a story (because I will tell a story!) and said, “You’ve lived. I can tell in your laugh. You laugh so you don’t cry, to keep things together.” I thought that was the best compliment. Because we have lived, and we are laughing. And in some ways, I’m grateful for this last year, hard though it was, because it reaffirmed for me that this is exactly where I want to be. Even when it’s challenging, I want to be with Mike.
To be walking this path with him, to figure out this life as we go along… seems like a pretty good deal to me.
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it’s the one you don’t see coming
We had this really wonderful week with my parents.
They stayed in a hotel (yay!) so we all had enough time to do our own thing and no one felt the pinch of too many people in too small a space. We all enjoyed one another’s company. It was a delightful time.
Right up until it wasn’t.
As they were leaving, my dad pulled me aside and told me how much he and my mom really loved my family and enjoyed spending time with us. And he said that was why he needed to tell me these next few things. He said Griff was really maturing and growing up (which I know) and that sometimes parents don’t notice that because they are too close to the situation. I told him that I do know that because I am close to the situation. We work really hard to make sure that we spend time alone with Griff to help foster his budding maturity. 
He also said they were concerned about Eliza’s weight. I wasn’t overly surprised by that, either, as I had seen him watching her this week. She’s six and admittedly at that awkward age little girls all seem to hit. But she’s active and healthy. He said she was a prime candidate for juvenile diabetes. I said there was no need for them to worry, that she was fine. As I relayed that story to Mike, his comment was that it was no surprise that I have body image issues. I wasn’t much older than Eliza is now when they began to talk with me about my own weight.
And lastly, as if this wasn’t enough, he said we needed to get involved in a church (which we already know, right?) because we need it for our marriage. Now, in this life of mine, nothing has come quite as easily to me as this marriage to Mike. I say that as a compliment to Mike because I cannot possibly be easy to live with or to deal with on a day to day basis. I undoubtedly bring new meaning to the term ‘high-maintenance.’ And while a church would certainly be nice, I think that our marriage is doing ok. But then, in all honesty, my mother has been saying that I was a bad wife to Mike for years now. God bless him, Mike says he’s really the only one who gets to say if I’m a good wife or not.
And while all of this was hurtful and annoying (mostly because I let my guard down and didn’t see it coming… annoyed with myself), I’m pretty much over it already. And I’m choosing to just remember that we all had a good time together.
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a peaceful, easy feeling
It’s that time again. My parents’ bi-annual visit is upon us. They’ll arrive tomorrow. Last visit, I insisted they stay in a hotel, and the visit was so good. This visit, I’m assuming they’re doing the same thing, but they haven’t said, and I haven’t had the energy (been a long, hard few months at work) to ask.
As I approach 40, I think about my parents’ acceptance or lack of it (been thinking about a lot as I approach 40, frankly). And I think they are more accepting of me and mine than they let on. They are, heaven help them, just a little critical by nature. I’m never going to be the woman they want me to be, so if we all accept that as a given, then I think we’re all doing quite well at accepting the woman I actually am. You know, what they know of the woman I actually am.
Because they have been so terribly critical in the past, at some point, I just quit telling them anything overly personal or intimate. It isn’t their fault. It was a choice I made. My mother’s answer to everything is always to pray and that God will provide, and while I completely agree with both of those assertions, they never really met me where I was in my time of need. I tend to be a girl who really needs a real-world person to present an answer and a face to my need. I’m not saying that’s right by any measure, just that it’s who I am. So when she wasn’t really there to hold my hand when really all I needed was a little hand holding and instead chose to mention that my faith might not quite but up to snuff, I quit sharing.
I left home for college at 18, and other than a brief three month period after graduation, I haven’t lived at home or in the same town with my parents since then. I haven’t lived in the same state as the rest of my family since I was 22. And yes, everyone else in my family still lives in the same small town.
With no sharing of intimate details, it’s really hard to remain close 18 years later or even to know one another well. Neither of my parents are on speaking terms with their siblings for various though remarkably similar reasons. I consider it a huge blessing that my brother and my sister-in-law, Nicole, and I are so close.
I wish my parents knew who I am now because I think that - despite the fact that I didn’t turn out to be the stay-home, home-schooling mom they wish I was - they would be proud of the way I respond to people, the way I treat people, of who I am. Of course, as I say that, I think about the fact that I do occasionally curse like a sailor, and I let my son watch tv that features things he might not should see but that is kinda funny anyway, and that don’t clean my house until visitors come over… and then I just try to shove as much as possible into my closet and then just close the door.
Of course, the flip side is also true… I don’t know the people they are today any better than they know the person I am today. I know that the angry man who reared me is calmer, even if he is also less fun than he was when I was younger. I know my mother is consistent. I know that while her method of relating to things isn’t my way, I do respect her for it.
And while all of this is a little saddening, I’m also ok with it. I am grateful for them, that they love us all and enjoy spending time with my kids enough to come visit. I am grateful that we all seem to have come to a peaceful middle ground in our relationship. And really, for me, peaceful is what I’m looking for in all of my relationships.
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another happy day
When we moved to Florida, I kinda fell apart. No, no, it’s true. Search the archives for 2006 through 2007. It’s all well documented. But I knew we had needed to leave where we were, and I knew that wherever Mike went was where I wanted to be. But it was really horribly difficult.
One of the bonuses of moving here was that Mike’s brother and his wife and family lived close by. An unexpected bonus for me was that my sister-in-law’s family also lived nearby. Mike had pretty much grown up with Stacy’s family, but they were all very new to me. It was such a welcome relief when they came to provide us with a family we didn’t have here.
At different times during that first summer, both Stacy’s mom and dad told me that it might take a long time to really feel comfortable here. They relayed to me how a move years before had affected them. To say I found comfort in them is a huge understatement.They took us in… invited us to gatherings and accepted our collective quirks and oddities in stride.
They are not family by blood, but we are blessed to have them in our lives, grateful for their family feeling.
So, today, we’re wishing a very happy birthday to my brother-in-law’s mother-in-law.
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