Normalcy…

March 14th, 2009

February was a whirlwind month, and I spent the first weekend of March taking all manner of meds, sleeping through most of it. Today is my last steroid day, and I’m feeling better, grateful for a Saturday at home.

We’ve got the cousins for part of the weekend, and it’s really quite wonderful, I think. The girls are running in and out of the house playing secret spies… driving Mike crazy because they can’t seem to close a door. The boys are watching HSM3, though they’d be appalled if anyone knew that. It’s a day that’s loud and bright and full of movement and pleasure. And it’s really quite wonderful.

Last night, Mike and I had a date night. We were headed out to the Astros Spring Training game when we realized we’d gotten gametime wrong & were going to miss the first few innings. Mike, being the sweetie that he is, offered instead to go to Cafe TuTu Tango on I-Drive in Orlando, one of my favorite places to go. We had a really nice time… eating and talking and laughing.

On the way home, I told him that I had always known it would happen this way, unexpectedly. I would suddenly realize one day that I was on the other side of the great unhappiness and uncertainty of moving to Florida. And here I am… on the other side.

I don’t love my job, probably never will (and yes, I did get turned down yet again for a promotion), but I don’t hate it any longer. It pays the mortgage and has great health insurance, and I have friends there. I love this Florida weather, and I love that my kids get to play with their cousins all the time. I love that Griff and Hayden have become such close friends that they’re sharing secrets and intimate thoughts.

Of course, I wish we were closer to Mandy, Josh and Olivia so we could help with this new journey they are on with Mandy’s MS. Of course, I wish we were closer to my family in Arkansas, so I could go by every afternoon after work and hold baby London. My grandfather is in the hospital again this weekend for the second time in less than a week (he has pneumonia, an infection, and an enlarged heart), and I wish I was close enough to drop by and see how he’s doing myself.

And yet, standing at the kitchen counter in this messy house, with HSM3 playing loudly in the background and little girl giggles punctuating the air, I’m good here.

And that, is a beautiful thing.

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Welcome to a New Chel

April 13th, 2008

It’s probably less of a new Chel than a new Chel era, but still. I think I can finally say that I’m comfortable here in Florida. There are still things I want here (a good church, Christian friends), but to have finally found my contentment here… that’s a huge thing.

We’ve been here 22 months now, and the contentment was hard earned. You can read about the journey to this place in the archives (but I wouldn’t recommend it if you’re having a melancholy day). I’ve had days where I sobbed all the way to and from work… where I wanted to crawl into bed and never come out again… where I thought we’d never find a sense of peace. I’ve been angry with God… wondered why He was angry with me… felt distanced from Him.

And now… here we are. It really was like I woke up one day and thought, “hey…this life isn’t so bad.” I knew it would be that way. I just never dreamed it would take this long.

It’s nothing like working with Linda and Aleece and being really good at my job. And it’s nothing like living two doors down from Mandy and Josh. And we don’t have a favorite pizza place, but we did find a favorite Italian ice place.

I kept thinking that I wanted to get back to when I felt like this or that. I wanted to get back to where I felt alive with God. But the truth is, I can’t go back there. It’ll never be like any of those times because I can’t go back. And in a whole lot of ways, I wouldn’t want to go back. All I can do is move forward.

Tuesday, when we celebrated my birthday, I remember looking at the kids and at Mike as we ate dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and thinking, “this is a good life. I am so grateful.”

So that’s my theme for this next year of my life. Gratitude.

And it seems appropriate that, just as I realized a new way of looking at this life, my unbelievably talented friend, Aleece, offered to completely redesign my blog and to pull me into WordPress as a birthday present.

(Isn’t it amazing?! She also designed my previous look with the sunflower. Look around… she’s just a phenominal artist. There are days when I’m pretty sure she’s pretty sure that her web design work isn’t art, but I’m pretty sure it is.)

And now, I’m not quite sure my life is as pretty as the blog yet. But I’m content now. And I’m more open to the possibilities surrounding me. And that’s a good thing. So, welcome… to a new Chel.

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