Numbers… and not the cute CBS show kind

June 26th, 2008

At my work, we receive ‘report cards’ once a month. My new supervisor is not only new to me but to this particular supervisor role, so he’s been a bit behind. This week, however, he finally gave some of us our numbers.

I had been so excited to get them because I really feel like I’m doing so much better at my job. I’m less stressed, and I’m feeling more confident. In general, I know the answers to the questions people ask me, and I’ve got less people angry with me on the phone. I no longer have my ‘failure list’ of cases that I’ve messed up. That should count for something, right?

Unfortunately, my numbers weren’t great. My year-to-date number is a 3.4 on a 5 point scale. And I was so disappointed in myself. Discouraged. Frustrated. Why am I working so hard not to have it show? Not to have it help me?

Mike and some very gracious people at work have been trying all week to convince me that my number isn’t bad. I’m ‘above average.’ Come on. Who aims for above average? Oooh… Mom, I’d like to be 4 tenths of a point above average. Woohoo.

And numbers matter in my head. Numbers change things in my head. I can look in the mirror and feel beautiful only to step on a scale later in the day and feel horrible and ugly because of the number. My body - how I look - hasn’t changed. But numbers change things in my head. My attitude has been one of frustration and discouragement all week.

But I have to admit that I don’t so much enjoy that attitude. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m still discouraged and frustrated, but there’s not much I can do about the situation. We’ve known all along that this job didn’t particularly suit me, so it’s not a surprise that I’m still struggling with it.

But it pays the mortgage. And the insurance is great. And I guess the fact that I feel more confident is something in and of itself. I no longer dread going to work, and that’s a good thing, too.

People at work talk about how cheerful I am, and everyone’s been really kind this week as I’ve been upset. But I’m tired of being upset, so I’m just going to accept those numbers as what they are. I can’t change them, and I just need to keep going… keep doing the best that I can.

And try not to let these numbers change too much in my head.

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