two years later…

November 15th, 2009

I wrote this post more than two years ago, and I’m ashamed to say that I’m still struggling with the same issues. Truth be told, I’m not a quick study when it comes to myself. I am my own worst critic, always harder on myself than on anyone else, and way too deep into double standards to be healthy.

If you want to read the entire post, go through the link above, but here’s a quick bit of it…

I’ve always been very forthcoming here (which may be interpreted either as good or bad, depending entirely upon your perspective), and I often try to work things out here that are swirling around in my head.

I’ve written before about my self-image and self-esteem issues before, and I’ve been thinking about some of those things lately.

One of the girls in my section came to me today to ask a question, and I answered her and then promptly told her to ask someone else to be sure. An older lady in my group who has been doing this for years asked me, “Michele, why do you do that? Your answers are usually right. Why do you assume you’re doing it wrong?”

And I don’t really have a good answer for that.

I’ve always felt like somewhere along the line, grownups forgot that genuine pride in work well done or in skills well honed was a good thing. All of that “pride goeth before the fall” stuff… I think that those most in danger of pride becoming arrogance are those who are the least affected by the sentiment. Those who should feel a genuine pride and confidence sometimes take the meekness too far.

And while I doubt anyone would describe me as ‘meek’ and while I’m quite sure that wasn’t the reason I did it, I did at some point begin to downplay my own talents and skills in an effort to not seem ‘braggy.’ But I think it wasn’t the best choice, and now it’s an irritating habit.

The way I feel in my head isn’t always accurately reflected by the things I say about myself. And that’s a weird disconnect.

I still do that. I really think that the way I feel about myself is so much more positive than the things I say about myself. And I think I say those unpleasant things for odd reasons… under the guise of not coming off as a know-it-all or in order to appear approachable or to go ahead and set things up for if I don’t do well.

But that’s such a lousy way to approach things. I wouldn’t let my kids do that to themselves. And as I work on approaching 40 and on the seriously freak-out way I feel about 40, I think this is something I need to work on.

I have this long history of underestimating my own value in terms of how people see me. I told a friend last week that we were ‘work friends’ and  not ‘real friends,’ which is insulting to both of us. I did later apologize, and when I did I shared the story of how I introduced my friend, Linda, as ‘my boss’ when she came to visit me and Eliza in the hospital the night Eliza was born. This woman & I had spent time in one another’s homes, kept one another’s children, knew all about one another’s lives. And yet, somehow, I was still unsure. (For the record, she was very angry with me, but later forgave me. I think.)

I need to work at remembering that people see me as more than just everyone’s mama at work. I need to remember, as a friend told me last night, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that if Christ loves me completely, I should probably love myself the same way.

One of the things on my 101 Things list is to write another 100 Things About Chel list, and I think maybe that’s a good place to start in terms of seeing myself clearly.

I’m making a specific effort to not re-read the first list so that what I write now is what I love about me now. I think my goal may be to have it up and posted by the weekend.

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