39 and …

August 30th, 2009

I’ve not been writing much lately. I tend to write more when things are difficult. Writing is how I process things. And things, in general, are pretty great lately, so there’s not a lot to process. And if truth be told, the things that aren’t easy also aren’t easily written about and shared.

Maybe it’s a mid-life crisis. Am I old enough for that?

I am struggling to achieve the numbers I need in this new job after the promotion. It seems as if the system is designed for people to either be a 5 (woohoo, the best ever!) or a 2 (significantly less woohoo). It’s frustrating and discouraging, and there are many days when I miss doing something that comes naturally to me. I’m smart enough to acknowledge the fact that I may never write again for money, and I have trouble finding time to write for personal growth and fulfillment (darned kids and laundry taking all of my time).

For so long, writing here was an outlet for me, and I want to get back to that. I’m trying to find some reasonable goals for my writing because I know it comforts me.

One of the other things that I’m struggling with now is more than a little embarrassing. But I’ve always been very open here - it’s pretty easy when I figure there are about three readers on a good day - so I might as well put it out there.

Of the two of us, me and Mike, I’m the not shallow one. That said, I’m incredibly shallow about my looks. Vain, really.

When I was about nine or 10, my family went out to eat at a little restaurant in town. It was when those horrid puffy vest jacket things were in style… 1979 or 1980… and I was wearing one. I also had a really bad Dorothy Hamill haircut.  Not my best look, to say the least. The hostess commented to my parents what nice boys they had. I didn’t have short hair again until I was in college, and it wasn’t very short then.

Fast forward about six years to when I was 15 and approaching my 16th birthday. My parents offered to buy me a car if I lost a certain amount of weight. I can’t recall if I needed to get to 100 or 110 pounds. Either way, I got a car for my 16th birthday. Nothing fancy, but I earned that car nonetheless. When I graduated from high school, I didn’t weigh enough to donate blood.

Through college, I enjoyed the attention of more than one boy. I was not promiscuous by any standards, but I did enjoy the flirting and the dating and the attention. I never dated anyone more than a few dates, no one more than a month or so. Before I met Mike, I had never sustained an emotional relationship with a boy. I had no reason to believe that a man could find lasting interest in me. I wasn’t sure at that point in my life that I had a lasting interest in me, to be honest.

But I was sure of my appeal. And it made me feel powerful. If things hadn’t worked out with Mike, I would have been able to find someone else. Badda bing, badda boom. Garnering a man’s interest wasn’t a problem. Finding a man who could hold my interest was. Until Mike.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Even then, I could list a cadre of things that I thought were wrong with me. It’s just that I felt secure in my attractiveness if not in my own skin.

How ironic is it that now that I’m comfortable with who I am, I’m not comfortable at all with my attractiveness?

Fifteen years of marriage and two kids later, my body isn’t what it used to be. And despite the fact that I love me so much more now than I did then, I still long for what was. I assume Mike is attracted to me solely because he loves me and not because I might be attractive.

I develop these silly work crushes (ask Aleece… my work crushes are legendary between the two of us) on men who might happen to smile at me on the elevator because it makes me feel good to think that someone might still find me attractive. But then I tell myself that can’t possibly be why they smiled. They were just being polite because what man in his right mind would be attracted to me if he didn’t love me already?

Mike says this attitude is offensive and insulting to him, which, of course, I had never considered. And it’s not as if you can put this to a poll.

‘Um, yes, do you mind answering a quick question? Do you find me at all attractive? No? Ok. Oh? Yes? Super. Thanks. You’ve been a big help.’

Not so much. But I’ve got to get over thinking I’m super fabulous on the inside and old mama no-longer-pretty on the outside. I suspect that what I see in the mirror isn’t what people see when they look at me. In fact, I’m reasonably sure that’s the case given how surprised I am with some of the compliments I receive.

So I think I’ve come up with a solution to both struggles. Well, probably not a solution as much as a hopeful attempt. I think it’s a silly solution but maybe one that will help.

I’m going to take one photo of myself every day during the month of September and post it. Maybe write a little something about it, try to find one thing in it that I like. Maybe it will help. Maybe it won’t. But I’ll be writing at least a little, and maybe I’ll begin to see what other people see.

Filed under Most Everything | Permalink | Comment (1)
Tagged with: •

Skinny Minnie bo-binnie

July 3rd, 2008

I’m off work tomorrow! Woohoo!! Now, I’ll pay for that day off at work on Monday, but today, I just don’t care. All I can see are three days of glorious jammie-wearing laziness.

And because the fates are looking kindly upon me, there’s a “What Not to Wear” marathon tomorrow. I love that show! Now, I sometimes think I shouldn’t watch it because it reminds me that I’ve kinda let myself get all slobby with my attire at work. But maybe it’ll be a good incentive to work a little harder with the way I present myself (or course that always makes me wanna go shopping).

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my self-image. We’re scheduled to make a trip to Arkansas in August to see my family, and visits with them always remind me of how overweight and out of shape I am. Now, those are negative thoughts. Of course, rethinking some of how I think about myself and my appearance probably wouldn’t be a bad thing. If you do a search of my blog and ’self-image,’ you’ll come up with quite a little listing.

But Kellie at La Vida Dulce wrote a really good post this week on the numbers game of weights and measures which came at a really good time for me after my little numbers rant last week. She mentions the True Campaign, and it’s an interesting concept. It’s actually a theory that mirrors my own philosophy about other people’s appearances. It’s my own that needs a little acceptance. :)

So maybe tomorrow, while I’m wearing my jammies and watching WNTW and smelling the smokey yummy smells coming from Mike’s grill, maybe I’ll go into my closet and see what I can do to update and enhance my current look.

Or go shopping. You know, whichever.

Filed under Most Everything | Permalink | Comments (4)
Tagged with: • • •

A Quick Thanks

May 16th, 2008

To everyone who left sweet comments and who sent emails about my Fear and Loathing post. I appreciate it. I went in with a positive attitude this morning, and that helped. We had lots of technical problems today that none of us could control, and it set us all behind. And yet, I didn’t get discouraged, and I never made a single derogatory comment about myself.

I’ve had this feeling before at various times in my past. I know that I need to do a few important things…

** I need to be reading my Bible and praying, even if I don’t feel a complete connection yet. I’ve been reading my Bible this week and working on Kay Arthur’s “Lord, I Want to Know You” book.

** I need to exercise more. Even if it doesn’t result in me losing any weight at all, it always makes me feel stronger and healthier. And I’m working on that, too.

** Now, this last one is WAY shallow, but I’ve got some shallow aspects. Live with it. I need to put more effort into how I look. My current job requires ‘business casual.’ It’s so much more casual than business. I now wear things to work that would have previously been in my weekend wardrobe. And I’m dressed just fine. I work in a call center environment, so I’m not at liberty to do much walking around. I fidget. I move around in my chair. I put my legs up under me and wrap them around the chair and anything to keep moving a bit. And it’s not easy to do that in either heels or a dress. So I’m pretty much flats and capris. Which is fine. But I know that - for me to feel pretty - I need to add a bit more jewelry and (talking all the time wears off my lipstick like you wouldn’t believe, so I’ve switched to just using the best lip balm ever during the day at work) whatnot.

I’ll keep you posted with my progress in all of this. I know this is a woman’s struggle that isn’t particular to me. I feel better knowing that. I also feel better knowing that I’ve had problems feeling bad about me in the past & have overcome them.

And now… this is quite enough posting for me for one night. We’re deep into Indiana Jones excitement here in our house, and we’ve agreed to let Griff watch the first three movies this weekend. We’re finishing the first one now & are about to start the second. And I’ve got jewelry to make.

Again, thank you. I’m grateful.

Filed under Most Everything | Permalink | Comments (3)
Tagged with: • • • •