a year now…
It’s been a whirlwind year. I find it hard to believe it’s almost Thanksgiving again. Mike turned 40… in true Mike fashion, quite uneventfully. Griff turned 13… in true little Mike fashion, equally easily. Eliza turned eight, and it was a big, fat deal. Mike has presented at two conferences (we’re quite proud, if a little jealous of his travels), and I was promoted at work (and given the way things have gone thus far, quite convinced I made the wrong choice in moving up). My brother got divorced and remarried this year (he’ll always be able to refer to 2011 as his ultimate comeback year.
As always, I’m ready to get along to the Christmas season. I’ve finished most of my shopping, and I’m ready to start wrapping so I have things to put under my tree when we put in up in a week.
But this year, I find myself thinking a lot about my parents. It’s been 15 months since, on my 16th anniversary, they sent me a letter telling me how my marriage was in danger. It’s been a year since they chose not to come visit us any longer because they cannot abide by the one request I made and set up as our ‘house rule.’ The House Rule is to keep whatever they think we’re doing wrong with our lives to themselves while they are with us. I don’t care who they tell when they leave us… tell my brother, my grandparents, their friends, church family, associates, people in the check-out line at the Piggly Wiggly. Just don’t tell me about how they feel I’m sinning by this or that. Don’t tell me how I’m a bad wife or mom because I do or don’t do this or that. I’m 41 years old, and I’ve been married 17 years now, and whether I’m a good or bad wife is between me and Mike. If I’m a good or bad mom is, unfortunately, yet to be determined. And it will be determined by my children.
But my parents weren’t able to agree to that. And so they haven’t been here to see us in 18 months. And it saddens me on multiple levels. I hate that they are missing out on these lovely little people living in my house. And it saddens me that they chose having the opportunity to be right over, well, me. I tell my kids all the time that there’s nothing they could ever do that would stop me from loving them, that would make me not want to see them.
A dear friend of mine was telling me about a bit of drama in his family’s life and about how upset he was with his parents for their interactions with his brother with whom he is upset because of his brother’s inappropriate behavior. He asked me, as a parent, how I would act. And I told him that I’d probably tell his brother, as his parents have done, that I didn’t approve of his behavior but that I would then do exactly as his parents had done… I’d bring him lovingly into my home and continue to be what I had always been. I reminded him that if his parents are doing this for his brother, they’ll be this way for him if he ever needs them.
I cannot imagine what would drive a child from my life. And I look at my life and I wonder, I seek to understand what makes them feel that we … I … am so unacceptable that they cannot spend time with us without the option of telling us what sins they see in my life.
That said, that heartbreak and little girl uncertainty admitted, the truth of the matter is that outside of the aforementioned sadness, the last year has been so much easier for us as a family. The visits from my parents were not easy for us. The tension caused arguments between me and Mike (arguments which Griff would say are very rare, indeed). Mike didn’t enjoy dealing with me and the unhappy anticipation of what they would be saying to me… because it was never a question of ‘will they say something’ but ‘when and what will they say?’ Griff hated their visits because he and Eliza would be left alone with them during the day while Mike and I would be at work, and my dad was always critical of Griff, whether of his physical stature or of his choice of hobbies or whatnot.
I admit, our last Thanksgiving, shared with people who love us for who we are, not for who we should be, was delightful. Frankly, it was the best we’ve had in years. And my kids are well-loved even without my parents. Graciously, my parents have proven to be supportive and encouraging to my brother during this last year, and they have been becoming the kind of grandparents to his daughter that they haven’t been lately to my children, and I am grateful. Maybe they, too, have learned from this experience.
One of the things I’ve been passionate about through the years is that we choose our family as we get older and as we move and don’t live close to family (because Mike and I have never lived in town with family). And we have always been blessed to have various people who were close to us and who were loved like family (a friend at work said to me the other day that I was family… nearly brought me to tears). Family is what we make of it.
And what I am trying to teach my children is that love is important and timeless and precious. And for now, for me, that is enough.
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Happy Thanksgiving!
We play this game at dinner where everyone - even guests - has to tell the best thing and the worst thing that happened to him or her that day. No one has to have a worst but everyone has to have a best because God gives us blessings every day. We just have to look for them.
When I look for them, I find lots of reasons to be thankful. I find lots of ways in which God has blessed me and my family. To list them would take all day. To list the majority of them would be stating the obvious …
- A loving family
- An amazing husband who loves me
- Kids who are completely fabulous
- A home
- A job with health insurance
But there are others, too, the fun thanksfuls.
- A Starbucks on the way to work
- Chick Fil A Fridays
- Good queso
- Holiday movies
- Beads for making jewelry
- Television
- A soft bed
- Hot showers
- LUSH
- pajama pants and tank tops
I could go on and on. Isn’t that a wonderful, amazing thing?
Have a wonderful, amazing Thanksgiving Day.
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Menu Plan Monday - Thanksgiving!
My parents are arriving from Arkansas today to spend the week with us, and the kids are very excited. My folks are pickier eaters than we are (ALL healthy ALL the time), so I’m trying to plan meals that they will both eat and enjoy (and that my kids will still eat).
With everyone off this week (Mike and I both work Monday and Tuesday, and I work Friday as well), I’ll be planning three meals a day, which seems like way too many. But I did buy the ingredients to make the first holiday cheese ball of the season. Soon, I’ll make my butter mints. Yum.
Sunday - homemade chicken noodle soup with asiago cheese bread (thank you, Publix) followed by a pear crisp with the Harry and David pears
Monday - breakfast - pancakes… lunch - leftover soup/hot dogs/sandwiches (gotta give folks choices)… dinner - pot roast with veggies from the crock pot
Tuesday - breakfast - sausage and biscuits… lunch - Mom and Dad are taking the kids to the Tampa zoo, so they’ll have zoo food … roast beef hoagies with Monday’s leftovers
Wednesday - breakfast - waffles… lunch - we’re all going shopping, so I’m thinking Cracker Barrel … dinner - Mike’s gonna smoke a pork loin… fresh zucchini and corn on the grill.
Thursday - breakfast - Monkey Bread… lunch - a traditional Thanksgiving Feast care of Mimi’s Cafe (my folks offered to buy & I jumped at the chance). I’ll add marshmallows to the sweet potatoes just for Griff, and I’ll make a non-pumpkin pie dessert… dinner - pizza (come on… gotta have the traditional Thanksgiving Pizza!)
Friday - breakfast - Chick Fil A (come on… it’s our Friday morning tradition)… lunch - Mike and the kids are on their own … dinner - I’m guessing leftovers.
Whew.
I have to admit, I’m pretty excited about the week. Holiday decorations, shopping, fun, wrapping presents. Suweet! (which, Eliza tells us, means Woohoo! in Spanish).
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