But occasionally, I wanna talk about ME!

June 3rd, 2008

There’s been a lot of Griff talk around here lately, and rightly so. (And for those keeping track, he’s doing much better. He’s only had 4 ml of the hydrocodone today, and he bathed for the first time today. Those of you with 9-year-old boys will understand how thankful we all were for that second advancement.)

I haven’t slept through the night since the night before Griff’s surgery. Poor kid. It’s hard to regulate his pain meds at night, so we’re still getting up to give him stuff. But unlike Mike, I can’t go back to sleep quickly. The one really helpful thing I do in the middle of the night is pray. I did that all the time before we moved, and it’s felt really reassuring to me to return to that practice. But all too often, in the midst of praying, my mind wanders…

So I lay there thinking about all of the things I wish I was doing in my life or with my life or the people I should have sent emails or cards to or the people I should have called and didn’t or the laundry cluttering the front room or how I really would like to make more fun jewelry but I need more clasps or how I’ve got less than 15 days now to read that textbook and take the exam or how I need to be exercising but I’m not or how I need to lose about 50 pounds but I haven’t or how I need to go to the post office or the bank or how I really would like to check into taking a yoga class or I wonder if Griff’s gone to sleep yet or I think about how I’m nearly 40 and don’t have my life nearly in the place I thought it would be or where did I put that book I wanted to read or what should I get Mike for Father’s Day or why is it that there are way more things I want/need/ought to do between when the kids go to bed between 9-10 (depending on the kid and the season) and when I want to go to bed between 10-11 (depending upon the day) or….

Whew. Deep breaths. I have the uncanny ability to go through a bazillion topics in a short, worrisome time.

So there’s my neurosis. And here’s what I’m going to do about it for the moment. I’m not saying these are good answers. Oh, please, no. But they feel like functional answers to me at the moment.

In truth, my life’s pretty good. And while it’s not the life I envisioned when I was 16 or 21, it’s a pretty fab life with a husband and kids and family and friends who love me. And while I’d like to be successful at work, I’ve always said I wanted to be successful at home more, and I like to think I’m doing a good job of that.

And I’m going to assume that all of those people who are awaiting emails or cards or calls from me have figured out that Florida Chel is less on the ball with those things than Louisiana Chel was, and they’ve adjusted.

And while I know I need to exercise/lose weight/whatever, I’ve always been happiest when I decided that who I am right now is fine. So that’s the attitude I’m going with for the moment. No more negative Chel comments. You know, or at least fewer.

And I’ll just go buy more clasps and make more jewelry, and once Griff’s moving better, he and Mike will run my errands and do the laundry.

And let’s face it, Mike knows already that he’s getting tickets to see the Astros play the Rays in Tampa in inter-league play for Father’s Day.

And my house, ah my house. Back when it was just me, I kept a lovely house. And when it was me and Mike, it was neat but less lovely. When we added Griff, phoo, I was outnumbered. Now, with Eliza, I quit. We’re just messy. We live like pigs. But I like to think that someday, the kids will look back and think about us all crashing in the living room and playing Wii together and laughing. I hope they remember the laughter. I doubt they’d remember a pristine house.

So, for now, I’m going to give up the worry. I’ve got enough going on without giving myself guilt and worry. Right?

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