wah, wah, wah
I am tired and crabby, and I sit amongst people who are cranky and angry and discouraged. One of my personal flaws is that I have a tendency to be a sponge and soak up the feelings of those around me. I’m getting better at not doing that quite as much, but still, I find myself influenced by the negativity around me.
Back in the early summer, I got promoted at work… something I honestly thought would never happen. People talk about this new division as being the promised land at this company, and this job is better than the last. But I now see that the idea of a promised land in this division is laughable. What we do is stressful. There is no way around it.
But I’m finding lately that the stress is really hard for me to negotiate. I am not given to enjoying middle ground. I’m a bit of an all or nothing girl. And I’m probably a bit of a bit of a perfectionist, though I hate to admit it. And this job is all about numbers. How did you perform today or yesterday? How did you compare to everyone else, regardless of whatever your personal situation was at the moment?
I don’t mind that the company has expectations of us, even if they may at times seem unreasonable. That’s the company’s right as my employer. What I mind is not being able to navigate the workload and the expectations successfully. Admittedly, this is my problem, not the company’s.
But all of this focus on the numbers just feeds into my own OCD obsession with numbers… the number on the scale, the number of years, the number of days I blog, the number of … on and on. This job encourages an obsession in me that I clearly see is unhealthy. In this life of mine, I need to focus on quality and not those numbers. But five days a week, I sit and am judged based upon the numbers.
My New Year’s Resolution was balance, and I’m trying really hard to take that to heart and to focus on the important and not the numbers floating in my head. It’s not easy because I want to be really good at what I do. But I also want to be a sane (reasonably) woman and a kind, compassionate, not stressed out wife and mama.
Now, I’m going to end my way too short lunch break and go back to the land of numbers. And try not to worry about mine.
Filed under Most Everything | Permalink | Comment (0)Tagged with: Work
So close
Tomorrow is the final in the training class I’ve been in for these two weeks. I have to score an 85 to continue in this new job. Say a little prayer, if you would, please.
And while you’re at it, Mike and the kids will be traveling tomorrow, too, so an extra prayer for them would be much appreciated.
Filed under Most Everything | Permalink | Comment (1)Tagged with: Work
Adrift in a sea of overachievers
It’s been a long weekend here in this work/weekend limbo. We’re not at work, but we’re several states away, so it’s not a normal weekend. I’m looking forward to Monday for a change, if only so we can get this week moving. My eyes are focused on Friday when we get to go home again.
I started my insurance career, if you want to call it that, on hesitant and unsure footing. And I hated that first job but was grateful for it nonetheless. I am encouraged about this promotion job. I want to do well in it. They said, I don’t think of this as a career, a life calling. This is a job that pays the mortgage. But I’m in class with the sweetest little group of overachievers.
One told me today that I needed to dress for the job I want, not the one I have. I want a job sitting home in my Jammies writing or making jewelry. I don’t think I can wear my jammies to work! But I was surprised. I forget that these women most likely have some career goals & that this is a stepping stone for them. For me, still just a job. A more enjoyable job, hopefully, but still just a job.
I was sharing at dinner that in my head, we’re done on Thursday after the final. Friday’s big negotiation doesn’t affect our grades, so I’m not worried. They quickly reminded me of why it is important & I was awash in the feeling of unpleasantness I associate with this job. They look at this differently.
I just want to pass, to give this my best effort (even if ‘best effort’ isn’t really something rewarded by our company) and get back home on Friday. I know it sounds lazy and unmotivated, but my goals ate all wrapped up in people I’m longing for right now, not in career results.
Filed under Most Everything | Permalink | Comment (0)Tagged with: Work
Still missing home
I’ve been away from home for a week now for training for work - five more days to go. I had expected it to be hard to be away. In some ways, it’s been harder than expected… In some ways, easier.
I missed Griff’s fifth grade graduation, and I missed attending a party with Mike in our old hometown with countless people I’d have liked to see.
I have, however, enjoyed restaurant meals with grown-up girls… Hot baths with no Little Ponies in the tub… Reading (I’ve finished two books so far).
I’ve worked to keep a 95 average on the daily tests, and I’m feeling good about my potential ability to do this new job. I’ve had prayer time and some new insights on my faith, which is always good.
Still, I’m ready to go home.
Filed under Most Everything | Permalink | Comment (0)Tagged with: home • Work
Missing…
I left home this morning, flew several states away with an eclectic group of girls for a two-week training class for work. I’m sitting in a hotel room wondering why their tv selection doesn’t include the Food Network & why they only have one functioning ice machine for seven floors.
I have to score at least an 85 in all of the coursework to keep this promotion I got, and I know the stress will begin tomorrow. Tonight, however, I’m sitting in this big bed all alone watching “High Fidelity” yet again. Bored, lonely, adrift without Mike & the kids but with a quality flick.
Filed under Most Everything | Permalink | Comment (0)Tagged with: home • Work
