Odds and ends… or killing time till I can go to bed
Here are a few random things… I’m way too tired to write much. We’re all playing Wii, and I’m essentially waiting for it to get dark enough to send Eliza to bed.
** It’s been a long and tiring week at work, but I feel really good about the work I’ve done. It feels like I’m doing so much better, like I understand things so much better. Of course, I worry that I’m wrong & just misguided. But I find that people ask me questions as if they assume I’ll know the answer. That’s such a big compliment to me, and yet, I worry these people are falsely placing their trust in me. I have to meet with my supervisor tomorrow to discuss all of my claims that I can’t figure out what to do with or have messed up or both. That’ll bring me back to reality, I’m sure. But maybe, just maybe, I really am getting better. Wouldn’t that be cool?
** I’m now loving So You Wanna Be an Old Supermodel on TVLand. I think it’s got a classier name, but come on, that’s what it is. Mike said last night that the women on it are meaner the the women on other reality shows… they don’t seem to bond like they do on Idol or Project Runway. Well, honey, these women are old. They don’t have time to bond. This is their last shot at this thing. They’ve got friends at home. They want to win. I think it should tide me over till Project Runway comes back next month.
** Griff watches too much tv. I know because I love tv. I’m so excited about the summer shows, I can hardly stand it.
** I’ve been praying. I know that if you haven’t been reading my blog for long, that probably sounds odd. But for those of you who’ve been with me through this journey of moving and being angry at God and then thinking God was angry with me and then being a bit ambivalent, well, it’s a good thing to be praying and feeling that warmth and connection that comes from that.
** There was super response to my Swap Me, Sell Me, Chai Me. I have a couple pieces left if anyone didn’t play the first time and wants to jump in now.
Now, I’m thinking I’ll go slather my LUSH Sacred Truth on my face and try to scare Eliza into bed. If it doesn’t work, I’ll at least have smooth skin.
Filed under Faith, Jewelry, Most Everything | Permalink | Comments (4)Tagged with: Jewelry • LUSH • old models • prayer • tv • Work
Three Days Post Surgery
Griff’s doing better, thankfully. I’m tapering him off of the hydrocodone and Valium, though he doesn’t really know that. You know, sometimes mamas need to do things stealthily. I’ve amended my goal of having him off everything but the Motrin by Monday to by Tuesday. I think that’s realistic.
I’m having him get up and walk a short distance… the recliner to his room and back or the recliner to the kitchen and back… every hour or so. I’m only having him walk when I know the meds are working well, so he doesn’t have all bad experiences with it. When he first gets up in the morning, Mike carries him from his room since the meds haven’t had time to work at that point.
Chuck and Stacy brought Eliza home yesterday, and while she’s added another dimension to the situation here, it’s really good to have her home. She makes Griff smile, and I’m grateful for her. It was nice to have all of them here for a little bit… a good distraction for all of us.
I go back to work tomorrow, and I’m not looking forward to it at all. But I don’t worry about the boys. Mike will take good care of Griff, and they’ll get along just fine without me. I’d just like to get a good night’s sleep before heading back to work tomorrow, and I’m not sure that’ll happen tonight. We’ll see.
Filed under Most Everything | Permalink | Comments (3)Tagged with: Griff • surgery • Work
A Quick Thanks
To everyone who left sweet comments and who sent emails about my Fear and Loathing post. I appreciate it. I went in with a positive attitude this morning, and that helped. We had lots of technical problems today that none of us could control, and it set us all behind. And yet, I didn’t get discouraged, and I never made a single derogatory comment about myself.
I’ve had this feeling before at various times in my past. I know that I need to do a few important things…
** I need to be reading my Bible and praying, even if I don’t feel a complete connection yet. I’ve been reading my Bible this week and working on Kay Arthur’s “Lord, I Want to Know You” book.
** I need to exercise more. Even if it doesn’t result in me losing any weight at all, it always makes me feel stronger and healthier. And I’m working on that, too.
** Now, this last one is WAY shallow, but I’ve got some shallow aspects. Live with it. I need to put more effort into how I look. My current job requires ‘business casual.’ It’s so much more casual than business. I now wear things to work that would have previously been in my weekend wardrobe. And I’m dressed just fine. I work in a call center environment, so I’m not at liberty to do much walking around. I fidget. I move around in my chair. I put my legs up under me and wrap them around the chair and anything to keep moving a bit. And it’s not easy to do that in either heels or a dress. So I’m pretty much flats and capris. Which is fine. But I know that - for me to feel pretty - I need to add a bit more jewelry and (talking all the time wears off my lipstick like you wouldn’t believe, so I’ve switched to just using the best lip balm ever during the day at work) whatnot.
I’ll keep you posted with my progress in all of this. I know this is a woman’s struggle that isn’t particular to me. I feel better knowing that. I also feel better knowing that I’ve had problems feeling bad about me in the past & have overcome them.
And now… this is quite enough posting for me for one night. We’re deep into Indiana Jones excitement here in our house, and we’ve agreed to let Griff watch the first three movies this weekend. We’re finishing the first one now & are about to start the second. And I’ve got jewelry to make.
Again, thank you. I’m grateful.
Filed under Most Everything | Permalink | Comments (3)Tagged with: Gratitude • Indiana Jones • Jewelry • self-image • Work
Fear and Loathing in the Sunshine State
I am notoriously hard on myself. Without a doubt, I am my own worst enemy, critic, whatever. I am self-bashing, even some days, self-loathing. I am a mad tangle of negative body issues, personal insecurity stemming from an irrational desire for everyone to like me (if only I was more like Mike who rarely cares if anyone likes him!), and uncertainty in terms of my abilities and talents.
Take that mixture on a good day, and it’s pared with a fair amount of contentment with this new life, along with positive parts of happy vibes about myself. I’m more than willing to list my good qualities and acknowledge that they outnumber the bad.
But, oh my goodness, take that first mixture on a bad day… when things at work are especially hard and when there’s a bit of hormonal unsteadiness… watch out. There’s a bubbling mess of tears and emotion and self-ickiness that’s hard to tame.
It’s been a couple of less than stellar weeks at work, and so I’ve been facing these ugly thoughts in my head. And when the ugly thoughts get going, they build upon themselves. It’s Bad Karma’s snowball of hateful mojo.
And this afternoon, my supervisor kicked that mojo in the knees. He said, “This is becoming self-defeating. I don’t know how much more I can say to reassure you.”
I was stunned. And embarrassed. You know why? Because it’s true. And I’m embarrassed that everyone knows it’s true. But you know what, fine? I’m going to work past this. My new work goal is to be positive.
Yep, that’s right… positive. You know, I think, maybe.
Filed under Most Everything | Permalink | Comments (7)Tagged with: body issues • positive • Work
